


sayo

by thefullergirl



Series: tayo [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Best Friends, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Pining, Roommates, This is me projecting, bc i love them, isko fic, kind of, lots of pining, side nohyuck, their friend group is very supportive, this is more fun than my actual college experience actually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:21:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 40,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24860743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefullergirl/pseuds/thefullergirl
Summary: “Why me?” Jaemin asks, legs dangling from over the railing of his bunk bed. There’s a bottle of Smirnoff Mule in his hands, but he’s far from being drunk at all.Across the room, tangled in his blankets, Renjun sips on his own drink. “What do you mean?”His best friend looks down at his lap. “Why… did you fall in love with me?”Some years ago, Huang Renjun was in love with Na Jaemin. It was quite possibly one of the worst emotional turmoils he’s had to go through, if not also the stupidest.Really, what was worse than falling in love with your best friend?
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin
Series: tayo [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1826008
Comments: 68
Kudos: 276





	sayo

**Author's Note:**

> this my longest one shot to date hhhhh i have no idea how this happened. renmin is a ship that's close to my heart, but i haven't written for them before this. 
> 
> this fic is in english, but shows a lot of the experiences at my own uni! there are some terms that can be confusing if you're not filipino, but they're mostly food lol. if it's still difficult to understand, i'll also link my cc at the end for more questions~ and yeah, this is very much set in the ph, so traditions and cultural references can be seen here.
> 
> i do hope you enjoy this fic, it's purely self-indulgent and something that i really enjoyed writing ♡
> 
> (also this is unbeta-ed it is 4am as i post this)
> 
> [tayo series carrd](https://tayoseries.carrd.co/)

**[ SA ‘YO ]** **  
** **phrase** **  
** **\- to you; at you; in you; on you; with you; yours**

Renjun really should’ve been suspicious the moment Jaemin asked him to have lunch together.

His best friend has somehow dragged him to Area 2, buying him a sisig meal and even a chocolate-banana shake. Renjun doesn’t even have a full hour til his next class, and yet, here he is.

Watching as Jaemin mixes his egg into his own sisig, Renjun thinks of all the possible reasons why Jaemin asked him to be here. Maybe he wants to try recruiting Renjun into one of his many (how many is it now? 6?) orgs, or maybe rope him into becoming their course representative for that upcoming pageant (what was it called again?), or worse, try to talk him into trying another dating site. As if he hasn’t told Jaemin about a dozen times already that he’s not interested in any of those options.

He soon realizes that Jaemin looks all too nervous to bring the topic up, very unlike how he usually does when it’s about the topics that Renjun has guessed, so it’s not those.

When Jaemin still doesn’t say anything, just tries to look casual as he shovels food into his mouth, Renjun dares to break the silence. “Why are we here, Jaem?”

Jaemin looks up, eyes wide as he chews his food slowly. He seems to realize that he can’t escape the topic, even though _he’s_ the one that brought Renjun here to talk about it in the first place. He swallows his food, then following up with a sip from his glass of mango shake.

“So,” he begins, letting go of his utensils and clasping his hands together, trying but failing to look like he’s ready for this. “I was thinking we could be roommates.”

Renjun almost drops his spoon. “What now?”

His best friend offers a strained smile. “Roommates? You know, people who share a room?”

It takes a lot of willpower not to stab Jaemin with a fork. “Where did you even get the idea to be my roommate?”

For a moment, Jaemin looks like he really doesn’t want to answer. But Renjun is throwing daggers at him with his gaze and Jaemin caves pretty quickly.

“Hyuck said he moved out, and you were looking at different rooms or possible roommates and I–” He stops himself, unsure if he should continue. Jaemin gulps, and his expression says that he’s worried that Renjun might actually kill him right there. “I thought...I could be your roommate.”

At the last word, he shrinks into himself, which looks ridiculous on him. Na Jaemin, head of committees in orgs since forever, on the way to become president at some point, now shrinking back in fear.

Renjun fights the urge to rub at his temples. Of course Hyuck would have told him about moving out. Of course he’d tell _Na Jaemin_ about Renjun needing a roommate. Why would he have expected anything less?

“I’m not...the best roommate, you know,” he says, trying to think of another reason why Jaemin shouldn’t move into his dorm room. There really aren’t a lot of valid ones, but he might as well die trying.

“I don’t mind!” Jaemin exclaims, all too loudly. He quiets down when other people dining at the tiny stall turn to look. “I just need a place to stay. The ones on-campus are already full, and the ones off-campus are too expensive for just me, and Hyuck already told me how much you paid for your dorm room and it was the best deal I could find…”

In his mind, Renjun runs over his schedule, trying to remember which classes he shared with Hyuck. He’s going to have a rather lengthy _talk_ with him.

“And wouldn’t it be great? It’s going to be the two of us, instead of you being roomies with a complete stranger. It’ll be fun!” Jaemin now has his usual enthusiastic tone back, the one he uses to reel freshmen into the orgs he’s part of.

Taking a long sip from his shake, Renjun mulls it over. It really won’t be _that_ bad, but he has a feeling that it might go to hell at some point. He can try to help Jaemin find other dorms, but then again he knows that it’ll look like he’s turning him away, his own best friend. Renjun doesn’t really pray, but he prays to every deity he knows in the minute it takes him to answer.

“Fine. I’ll give you the number of the dorm auntie, just contact her about it.” He’s barely done speaking when the biggest, brightest grin spreads across Jaemin’s face.

“Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou,” he says, clasping Renjun’s hand and bouncing on his rather unstable stool. “I promise I’ll be a good roommate! I can cook, and I can clean whatever, and I promise not to come home _too_ late _–_ ”

“Okay, rule one: calm down. We can’t have someone bouncing off the walls of the dorm, okay?”

Jaemin nods quickly, settling in his seat. The grin is still there, though. “Thank you, Junnie.” It’s spoken softly, even though Renjun knows he’s still bubbling with excitement deep inside.

“Rule two: don’t get mushy with me, Na.” He throws another look his way, but there’s no real bite to it. 

Renjun sighs quietly to himself. He’s really doing this. He’s agreeing to being roommates with Jaemin. May all the gods out there help him.

○○○

The next Saturday, Jaemin moves in with what looks like half of his house.

“Is that a rice cooker?” Renjun asks from his bunk, sitting up and looking incredulously at it. The body has colorful flowers on it, and it looks like one batch in it can feed about 8 people. “You do know the common kitchen here has its own rice cooker right?”

Jaemin looks at it too, expression full of disdain. “My mom insisted. I barely convinced her not to have me bring my own microwave.”

“Jaem, you’re moving into a tiny dorm room, not your own apartment.” Renjun puts his Soc Sci 2 readings down to help him with his stuff. There’s two large luggage bags, a duffel bag, and a backpack that isn’t the one that Jaemin usually brings to school. Two pillows plus about an armful of plushies are in a large plastic bag. Renjun thinks he sees the box of an electric fan among all the stuff, and he almost laughs at it.

“I don’t think anybody can make my mom listen to that.” Jaemin is hauling his stuff into their room, already starting to break a sweat under his signature Uniqlo button-up. “It’s like I’m never coming home again.”

Together, they get all of the stuff in, and it’s suddenly very cramped in the 23 sq.m space. Jaemin dumps the pillows and the plushies on his bunk, right across Renjun’s. Thankfully, the closet has enough space for all of Jaemin’s clothes, but a good amount of his shoes have to stay in boxes by the door. The appliances and other stuff are placed on Jaemin’s shelves, which are right under his bunk. Renjun isn’t sure if they should really keep the rice cooker there, but well, at least they have it.

By 4 in the afternoon, Jaemin has wrestled his thin mattress into some clean sheets, plopping down on it and making the huge plastic bag crinkle under his weight. “I hate moving.”

Renjun scowls at him from his desk chair. “Nobody said you should move in with me.”

Jaemin peeks over the railings of his bunk bed, pouting. “I had nowhere else to go.”

Renjun can think of at least 5 different places he can go to, but he holds his tongue. “Stop complaining and come down. Let’s get some food. Moving all your stuff made me hungry.”

They go into the convenience store at the ground floor of the building, getting instant ramen and steamed pork buns. It’s a miracle that they find two available seats at this hour, when most of the people in this dorm building are taking a break and buying food. Renjun manages to stop Jaemin from hoarding snacks, telling him they can go grocery shopping the next day. They sit by the window and eat, watching the passing cars and students.

This was going to be their new normal, Renjun can tell. It had always been easy to fall into habits with Jaemin, and with their newfound close proximity, the more he’d be susceptible to all these changes that will soon become routine. He’s not quite sure he’s ready, but it’s not like he has a choice.

Being roommates with Donghyuck was pretty good. Hyuck was responsible, he didn’t really need to be told to do anything. They took turns with everything, and got along on most things. Whatever they didn’t agree on was either an “agree-to-disagree” situation or an argument that would end pretty quickly. It worked, even though Renjun threw a pillow at Hyuck’s direction more often than not.

And they had fun. Their free nights were spent with a few bottles of soju that they managed to sneak in, playing drunken Uno while they both ranted about their classes. During Sundays, when Hyuck didn’t feel like coming home to his actual house, they’d order delivery and sit on Renjun’s bed, watching whatever crappy show they’d randomly pick out on Netflix. And on the nights that neither of them can really afford sleep, they’d throw each other snack packs across desks or across bunks, the impact and the carbs helping them stay up.

When he said that he had decided to move out, Renjun couldn’t say that he was surprised. They were on good terms, they were best friends, but Hyuck moving out was something that they had talked about. Other than he wanted to be able to be with his boyfriend without disturbing Renjun’s peace, it was just better for him to be much closer to the campus. Hyuck barely, if ever, slept early, and that would result in him waking up late, which wasn’t all that great for his schedule that always seemed to have at least one 9 am class. Staying at an on-campus dorm would prove beneficial.

But just because Renjun wasn’t surprised doesn’t mean he wasn’t sad about it. Donghyuck had already become a familiar presence, and seeing him typing away at essays at ungodly hours of the morning was one of the most comforting sights. He’d still see him, of course (Hyuck had even stayed over a few times because he missed the dorm), but it just wasn’t the same.

Hunting for a different dorm wasn’t something that Renjun particularly enjoyed. He had already settled into this one, made friends with the dorm auntie and some of the other students dorming here. It was great. Moving out would mean doing it all over again, and Renjun isn’t sure he has any more willpower in his third-year college student body to do that. 

Looking for roommates wasn’t the best either. At this point, pretty much everyone he knew already had dorms that they were staying at, and weren’t really planning on moving out. Renjun dreaded being with a stranger whose habits and presence he had to adjust to, so he kept delaying the process, even though it cost him twice what he paid while Hyuck was still his roommate.

So really, Jaemin should be a blessing. He’s known him for 15 years now, give or take. Renjun’s literally grown up with the guy. He knows how he is, he’s comfortable with him. Jaemin really could cook and clean. Plus, Jaemin wasn’t someone with disgusting habits, and that alone would have been the deal maker. Almost anyone would willingly take a roommate like that.

But things are just not as easy as that. He wishes it could be, though. He really does.

It’s not that bad, he tries to convince himself for the nth time this week. Like many (surprising) things, he can survive this. Being roommates with Jaemin won’t kill him.

Renjun looks over at his best friend. Jaemin is in the middle of taking a big bite of the pork bun, almost scarfing half of it in one go. This is the boy he’s going to live with for probably until they graduate.

He really hopes being roommates with him won’t kill him.

○○○

On Tuesday, Renjun realizes Jaemin is about as difficult to wake up as Hyuck.

Jaemin’s alarm has already rang a couple of times, successfully waking up Renjun but not the one it’s intended for. God, why does he have a 7 am class? Renjun doesn’t even have class until 11. 

Huffing, Renjun sits up, calls out to him. It only makes Jaemin grumble in his sleep, burrowing further into his mountain of plushies. Renjun then debates throwing every pillow he has at him, but he has a feeling that won’t work either.

He tries, though. And he’s right, it doesn’t work.

So that leaves him with the choice of going to Jaemin and shaking him awake. The force of his feet on the steps of the ladder shake the bunk, but Jaemin still shows no sign of waking up. At the top, Renjun hoists himself onto the bed and starts shaking Jaemin.

“Jaem,” he says, starting with his knee since it’s the closest thing he can reach. He really hopes he doesn’t have to slap Jaemin awake. “Jaem, you have to wake up.”

The sleeping boy only rolls over, facing the wall. Renjun lets out an exasperated sigh. Well. He supposes not a lot has changed in his life.

He has to bend a little as he comes closer, since the ceiling is a bit low. Renjun crawls over, taking hold of Jaemin’s shoulder and shaking him again.

“Jaemin,” he says, louder and firmer this time. “You have to wake up.”

Like this though, it’s easy to be distracted by Jaemin’s sleeping face. He really shouldn’t be affected by it, having seen it from the countless sleepovers and the times when Jaemin fell asleep at his desk. But there’s something softer now, with him surrounded by plushies and his fading pink hair around him like a cotton candy halo.

God, Renjun hates him.

“Jaemin.” He gives a light punch against an arm. “Jaemin I swear to god, if you don’t wake up right now, I will throw you over the edge here.”

His friend finally turns over, his eyes still closed but his arms reaching for Renjun. “Junnie,” he drawls out, and his voice is rough from sleep. “Junnie, 10 minutes.”

Renjun tries to dodge his arms, but ends up bonking his head on the ceiling. “Waking you up is taking 10 minutes.” He grabs a pillow, one he thinks is his, and starts hitting Jaemin’s stomach. “Get up already, you’re going to be late.”

Jaemin has the audacity to pout. He grabs Renjun’s pillow, finally pushing himself up and opening his eyes. For a few more minutes, he rubs at them, sleepy sighs leaving him. He looks over Renjun like a baby disturbed from sleep, grumpy and with tufts of hair sticking out. Renjun grabs his pillow and starts to make his way down the ladder.

“You better get to that class on time. Math, right? I know your professor doesn’t tolerate late-comers.” He climbs back up to his bed, too sleepy to even think about his other pillows on Jaemin’s bed. 

Plopping himself down, he closes his eyes. He still has a few hours to go back to sleep.

Much to his dismay though, he doesn’t go back to sleep. Renjun tosses and turns, tries every possible position he knows he’s fallen asleep in before. At some point he just gives up, lying on his side facing the wall and listening to Jaemin move around their room.

Thankfully, Jaemin is quiet and careful. He gets off his bunk, then shuffling to the closet to get his clothes. Even the close of the bathroom door is slow and gentle, like he really is afraid of waking Renjun. _That’s nice_ , Renjun thinks.

He’s still awake when Jaemin leaves, and he’s not sure if it’s his sleepy brain that made him hear his friend say a soft, “Goodbye Junnie” before the door to their room closes.

After a few more minutes of just lying there, Renjun sits up. He looks at Jaemin’s bed, ponders over getting his pillows.

He does, eventually, and bites back the urge to make Jaemin’s bed while he’s there.

○○○

“Possibly your worst idea yet,” Chenle quips, not looking up from his accounting worksheets. “You don’t generally have great ideas, no offense, but this is the worst one yet.”

Renjun scowls around his ham and cheese sandwich. “Thanks. And for the record, I never said it was a good idea.”

The younger boy scoffs. “You still made the decision.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me.”

They’re sitting in the College of Economics canteen, with Chenle’s worksheets taking up half of the table. Renjun thinks of buying some more food to justify how long it looks like they’re going to be staying here. They both have oddly long breaks today, and that usually means that Chenle is going to get every bit of information from him as possible.

Not that there’s much to talk about.

Not that Chenle believes that.

“You’re honestly the most whipped person I know.” The younger boy somehow finds his plate of carbonara amongst the chaos of papers. He takes a bite, his almost-empty gel pen twirling in his other hand. “You really could have said no.”

And Renjun thinks about how impossible that has been with Na Jaemin.

He purses his lips. “I felt guilty okay? If I said no, it was like turning him away.”

Chenle points the fork at him. “Yeah, and you’ve never turned him away. Whipped, I’m telling you.”

“I’m very aware of that, thanks.” Renjun takes another bite of his sandwich. “I made the decision, and now I have to stick to it.”

His friend fixes him with a look, lip curling. “It’s been what, less than week? Are you suffering already?”

Renjun sighs. He’s not at the point where he’s going to break, but he knows he’s treading dangerous waters. Most days, he can handle being close to Jaemin, but living with him like this was different.

He’s overreacting, he knows. Nothing has really happened apart from the wake-up sessions and their friendly chatter once they’re both home. It’s mostly in part to them being extremely busy and also extremely tired at the same time. They even have classes together, but there isn’t much of a change from before.

But really, that doesn’t mean that change won’t happen.

“Not...suffering,” he gets out. He bites the inside of his cheek. “I’m just tense, I suppose.”

The laugh that Chenle huffs out is unbelieving. “I can’t help you there, buddy.”

He knows this. Whatever internal shit he’s going through is his business, and really, it shouldn’t exist in the first place. Not when he’s promised himself that he wasn’t going to do this to himself.

“Is he nice though? As a roommate?” The sophomore is talking to him while inputting values like it’s the easiest thing in the world. Maybe it is, for Zhong Chenle.

“He is,” Renjun answers, sipping at his bottled iced tea. “So far, anyways.”

“So really, the only reason you hate the idea of having him as a roommate is…” Chenle looks up to raise his brows. Renjun already knows what he means.

He’s right, like he always is. But he’s not going to admit it outright. He only sighs, finishing off his food.

Shaking his head, Chenle goes back to his work. “Try not to make too much of a mess, yeah?”

Renjun nods, even though Chenle can’t really see it. “I’m trying my best.”

“I know you are.” Chenle looks up again, sighing at him. He shakes his head, as if to clear it. “Now, let me tell you about this asshole of a groupmate I had for one of my majors…”

Renjun is grateful for the change in topic.

○○○

After an exhausting food lab class on Thursday, Renjun gets back to the dorm feeling just a few steps away from death. He drops his bag down onto the floor by the bed, taking out his lab gown to put into the wash. He only registers Jaemin’s there once he registers the scent of food.

There, on Jaemin’s desk, is the rice cooker. It’s turned on, and Jaemin is stirring whatever is in there. It smells like chicken broth and rice, and Renjun wonders what he’s making. 

Unceremoniously, he plops down onto the cold tiles of their room. He might need to go to the mall to pick up a soft rug or maybe a blanket for the floor. Renjun watches as Jaemin cooks on his study table, all the papers and books pushed aside.

“What are you making?” he asks once Jaemin stops stirring and closes the lid on the rice cooker. Jaemin sits on his wheely study chair, pulling up his feet to sit cross-legged on it.

“A rice dish.” He looks at the floral rice cooker. Renjun still isn’t sure if they’re allowed to have that in the room, but it’s too late to really think about it. “At least I hope it turns out that way. Just played around with the proportions of everything. It might become porridge for all I know.”

“Still a rice dish,” Renjun offers. It makes Jaemin smile just a bit. He looks about as tired as Renjun is, so Renjun holds back his questioning on what he used to cut the ingredients with.

For a while, they’re quiet, only the humming of the washing machine and the rice cooker filling the silence. Seeing Jaemin like this would probably be surprising to people who haven’t known him for long. He was always talkative, engaging in any and all conversations if possible. Jaemin was always known as bright and lively by most everyone.

Renjun knows he isn’t always like that. More often than not, actually, he was quiet, just in his own head for periods at a time. Renjun never pushed anything out of him unless he deemed it absolutely necessary, and that arrangement worked for them.

Now, though, Jaemin is the first to break the silence. “Hey,” he says gently, wheeling over to nudge Renjun’s knee with a socked foot. “How’s your week so far? We’ve barely talked.”

That was true. Their class schedules oddly didn’t line up like they used to, so Jaemin had many of the morning shifts of their required classes, while Renjun had the afternoon shifts. By the time he got home, Jaemin was already either busy with some requirements or napping away. When he woke up, Renjun would probably already be passed out.

“It was okay. Just super tiring. You know how the almost back-to-back lab classes are.” Renjun pokes at Jaemin’s cartoon socks with a pen from his jeans pocket. “I’m excited to have the one class tomorrow and then just not function for the rest of the weekend.”

They had the same class the next day, a management course in that room that’s far too big for their tiny class of 15. Afterwards, they can either choose to sleep until Hyuck inevitably invites them to drink, or they can just sit on either of their beds and make use of that hard drive that Jisung handed them that was full of torrented anime. Either was a pretty solid option.

“Ugh, I don’t know if I can survive the 3-hour class without falling asleep. I still have to study for the Math exam tomorrow.”

Renjun shrugs, idly tugging at his own cuffed pants. “Told you you should’ve taken it during midyear.”

Jaemin pouts. “Do you know how hard it is to get a Math midyear with all these freshmen? I thought it would be easier to get a slot but guess not.”

Renjun sympathizes with him. Up to now, he still hasn’t been able to get the damn Arts I class he needs, because either their damn enrolling system won’t give him the class, or he finds that the professor is terribly rated on the Rate My Prof site and he ends up removing that from his classes. Maybe he’s just not fated to have Arts I for his entire college life.

“Well, good luck with your exam,” Renjun offers. He can probably dig for his old notes to help Jaemin, but he’s sure his friend will refuse to get help from him. Jaemin is stubborn like that. “I’ll buy you something to eat while we’re in class.”

This makes Jaemin smile. Recently, he’s easily cheered up by some food and the dreadful coffee that Renjun can’t bring himself to drink. It’s cute, and easy for Renjun to manage.

While waiting for the rice to cook, their conversation drifts to the lab reports they have to write. Normally, Renjun loves writing, but lab reports are a whole other thing. It would have been okay if he understood how they worked, but their lab professor didn’t explain, assuming that they knew how right off the bat. 

He’s tempted to ask Jaemin to do them, and maybe offer to solve some of his homework or write his History papers for him. For some reason, Jaemin liked doing the lab reports, saying it was relaxing, all the methodologies and numbers. This psycho.

Renjun wishes that they could have at least been classmates for their lab classes, even if Jaemin would be put in another group. It was just comforting to know that his best friend was just a few working stations away, and he can ask questions before coming back to his own station. Jaemin seemed to have a natural talent for their lab classes, be it for microbio or the food labs. Renjun wasn’t too bad himself, but it wouldn’t hurt to be able to ask someone he didn’t hesitate around.

It’s their first year where most of their schedules don’t align. Of course, they tried, but the enrollment system isn’t as forgiving to third-years. 

However, it’s nice to know that so many of their usual habits aren’t completely gone. They have lunch together on most days, with them alternating between what food whichever one of them was able to cook, or buying the cheapest rice-and-viand combination they can find in the canteens they frequent. More often than not, they’re at the little _carinderia_ that they chanced upon at Krus na Ligas, eating the cheap siomai that they practically drown in chili oil and soy sauce.

They’ve also developed the habit of coming together to buy materials for their lab classes. Be it test tubes for their next class or shrimp and carrots for the next spring roll, they’ll wait for each other at the closest jeepney stop and go together. Somehow, those trips always end up in Jaemin buying cheap ice cream for them which they try to eat while on the jeep that takes them out of the campus.

Free time during their school days is most often spent in the lobby of their college, sitting on the weathered floor and letting the stray cats in the building wander into their laps. Sometimes, they’d answer surveys for the graduating seniors. Sometimes, they’d be offered to taste test food for the Food Techs. Most of the time, they just sit on their phones and show each other memes to fill the time.

Things with Jaemin never really change, Renjun guesses.

About 40 minutes later, the rice is ready, and it _is_ rice, not porridge. Jaemin scoops some into the brightly colored plastic bowls Renjun has kept here mainly for snacks, and hands one to Renjun. Renjun takes out his chopsticks from his utensil case, ready to dig into the meal.

Jaemin comments something about adding cheese into it next time, and Renjun just listens to him. It’s still Jaemin, his best friend. Why should he be scared of this whole thing?

○○○

**THE ~~RENMIN~~ / ~~JAEMREN~~ /RENMIN DORM RULES**

Rule 1: Keep quiet

Rule 2: Don’t get mushy with Renjun

Rule 3: Everyone takes turns with chores

Rule 4: No bringing home friends/boyfriends/whatever without the other knowing beforehand

Rule 5: Come home at midnight at the LATEST, otherwise inform the other

Rule 6: YOUR mess sticks to YOUR side

Rule 7: Shower is on a first-awake basis

Rule 8: Fold and put away YOUR OWN laundry

Rule 9: Always use headphones unless the other says it’s okay

Rule 10: Wake the other when they just won’t wake up

**TO-DO LIST**

☐ Get water cup + mug for Jaemin  
☐ Pay rent for this month  
☐ Buy different fabric conditioner (current one’s smell is a little nauseating)  
☐ Show Jaemin around the apartment complex and other shops  
☐ Stock up on bread + peanut butter for the week  
☐ Find a rug for the floor  
☐ Answer Mark’s surveys for thesis

○○○

Jaemin comes to their management class a little late (which is okay since the professor is always even more late), his eyes dead and his hoodie zipped up. He dumps his now-ruddy Herschel onto the seat at their table that never really gets claimed. When he slides into the seat next to Renjun, the smaller boy slides him a brown McDo bag. Inside is two cheesy eggdesals with ham and a hashbrown, along with a handful of ketchup packets. He also puts down an iced coffee from the same place, and it’s not quite Jaemin’s brew, but he knows that he’ll take it.

His best friend mumbles words of thanks as he bites into the first sandwich. With one hand, he opens his bag and takes out his binder, ready to study his notes from the last meeting just in case there’s a surprise quiz, which there always is.

After about 5 minutes of saying the words to himself, he tries to repeat them to Renjun to review himself. “Hotels are classified by: Size, Class, Type, Plan and…”

When it takes more than a minute for him to remember, Renjun supplies it to him: “Themes.”

“Themes. Themes,” Jaemin is making gestures with his hands as if they can help him remember. “And the special characteristics of a hotel business are: Perishability, Location, Fixed Supply, High Operating Costs, and…”

He raises his brows, trying to force the word out of the recesses of his brain. Renjun puts ketchup on a fry and stuffs it into Jaemin’s open mouth. “Seasonality.”

“Seasonality, right.” He repeats the words to himself a few more times before shutting his binder resoundingly and pulling Renjun’s arm for him to sleep on.

Renjun tries to shrug him off, groaning as Jaemin’s fingers tug on his sweater. “You can sleep without my arm, you know.”

Jaemin makes a sound in his throat, close to a purr. “But you smell so good, Junnie. And your arm always feels so soft.” He tilts his head a bit to look up at Renjun, eyes wide and puppy-like.

Rolling his eyes, Renjun scoots over close so it won’t hurt as much to have his arm stretched to the side for long. He might as well allow it, knowing that his friend hasn’t gotten much more than an hour of sleep because of how much he studied for the exam. With his arm pinned down below Jaemin’s head, it’s hard to focus on his notes. He closes his binder as well, bringing his head down so that his chin is resting on his other arm, and he’s staring at the whiteboard.

The minutes tick by, and the group that was supposed to present is just pacing the front of the room. Everyone is checking their phones for a text or an email, but no one has received anything yet. Looks like Jaemin’s supposed 5-minute nap is going to be much longer today.

Like this, Renjun can smell his particular laundry detergent, probably the last trace he’ll smell of it until Jaemin uses the detergent at their dorm. He’s always preferred that scent more, but neither of them have any idea what brand it is. Jaemin’s hair is already starting to show his dark roots, and Renjun thinks of the last time they tried to bleach his hair and they made more of a mess than they anticipated. Jaemin had it done by Chenle the next time.

At some point, Jaemin straightens, his eyes bleary and a yawn forming his mouth into a perfect O shape. He looks around the classroom, confirms that their professor isn’t there, grabs his coffee and takes several sips, his head then finding Renjun’s arm again afterwards. He seems to have dozed off again, and Renjun tugs at the now-peachy strands of hair, knowing that Jaemin won’t wake up even if he did that.

Renjun is almost asleep himself when someone announces that the professor isn’t coming today. There’s the sound of almost everyone standing up simultaneously, getting their bags and preparing to leave. The commotion makes Jaemin stir, and Renjun pokes at the cheek that’s facing him.

“Wake up, we’re free to go.” Renjun keeps poking, then switching to pinching the cheek and wiggling it. “Come on Jaem, we need to leave.”

Jaemin does wake up then, looking like he’d really rather not. Renjun stands up, starts packing his stuff. His friend takes a few more minutes to get himself really awake before he starts moving, and Renjun just waits for him. They exit after all the others, so Renjun turns off the lights and the overhead fans before closing the door behind them.

They wander for a bit before ultimately deciding to go to the Sunken Garden. The grass is a bit itchy through Renjun’s shorts as he sits down, Jaemin immediately following and setting his head down on Renjun’s shoulder and proceeding to lean against Renjun’s back. 

It’s something they do often, even before becoming roommates. Nothing wrong with it, but some people really do assume that something’s going on between them, Which, truthfully, isn’t the first time Renjun’s heard that.

He’s not sure when and how that all started, but people just started asking. “Hey, you have something with Jaemin?” “Oh wow, didn’t know you two were together!” “Since when were you dating?” Renjun has heard it all. At first, those questions will be answered with a confused look, and then he’d realize that they were being a bit too clingy to just be friends in other people’s eyes. Then, slowly, he just gave them a resigned look, and said what he’s always said: “We’re not dating.”

But he knew why people assumed it. To be absolutely fair, not everything they did looked strictly platonic to most people. Obviously, to them, it was, but absent-mindedly holding hands, cuddling with each other, and sharing jackets wasn’t the epitome of “just friends”. 

Renjun didn’t even need to be prompted to start feeding Jaemin when they were out, already used to the person nuzzling against his arm wordlessly asking for food. Jaemin always used to wait up for Renjun, especially when he insisted on finishing some last-minute projects, and then he’d carry Renjun’s bags for him. They had Valentine’s gifts for each other because that’s how single they were, but it’s easy to see it as boyfriends giving each other chocolate and plushies. Half the plushies on Jaemin’s bed now are from Renjun.

Hell, Renjun’s parents had actually sat him down and said, “We love you and we respect your decisions, but really, you should’ve told us that something was happening between you and Jaemin!” Renjun had deadpanned at them and tried his absolute hardest not to facepalm as he explained that nothing was happening between them. He has a feeling his mother still doesn’t buy it to this day.

Even their friends could barely believe that they aren’t together. Of course, they know they aren’t, but to them it just doesn’t make sense that they’re “like _that_ and still apparently just friends?” He has no answer to that. Renjun doesn’t know what to tell them that he hasn’t already.

But they do admit that the way they act is a little… too close. They even laugh about it sometimes. That saleslady that said they looked cute together while they were shopping for college? Funny. That restaurant they somehow fooled into believing they’re a couple and they even got cake out of it, the staff saying that they’re such adorable youngsters? Hilarious. That professor that apparently pulled Jeno aside and asked if there was something going on between them? Downright one of the best things Renjun has heard. It was all just funny to see people utterly confused by them.

Sometimes, though, Renjun lets Jaemin answer for them. It’s almost always him that shuts their assumptions down, so having his best friend answer all their inquisitions was a rare thing. He wanted to see how Jaemin handled it, if he rejected them like Renjun did or if he said something else.

Jaemin always answered the same way: With a laugh, and the slightest shake of the head. 

○○○

“You’re really roommates with him, huh?” Hyuck asks, using his beer bottle to point at Renjun.

Renjun fixes him with a look. “Yeah, and who was it that suggested it was a good idea?”

His friend raises his hands in surrender. “Listen. I didn’t say _specifically_ that he should try to be your roommate. I just said that I moved out, and you were looking for a roommate. That’s it, I swear.”

Narrowing his eyes at him, Renjun stuffs his mouth with nachos. He doesn’t have much to say anyways. He’ll probably curse Hyuck for this later, but he just wasn’t in the mood for any of that right now.

They’re at a bar that Renjun doesn’t remember the name of, a new place that Jeno discovered just last week. It’s a little pricier than where they usually go, but Mark’s paying because they all answered his surveys and helped him spread the Google Forms. They’re all grateful for the drinks after what has been a characteristically difficult week. 

Donghyuck has been knee-deep in publication stuff that barely any of them had heard from him the whole week, and Renjun’s first sight of him is face down on the cool metal table of the bar. Jeno has had back-to-back presentations, and he swears he doesn’t want to wear business formal clothes to class anymore. Mark is like any other senior who’s stressed about his thesis, and even now, he has his laptop out and he’s typing furiously, taking breaks to sip at his drink. Jaemin is trying to get them a tower of some drink Renjun isn’t familiar with, and Renjun is trying not to think about the pre-labs he has to pass.

This is all a lovely break for them to have, but Renjun already senses that some form of mess will happen sooner or later. Put some overtired and sleepless twenty-year olds with alcohol and their tendency to start to overshare about themselves and everyone else, and it was a recipe for disaster.

And as with most of their drinking sessions at the end of the week, Renjun promises to himself to stay sober, because nobody else is going to help the rest of these soon-drunk idiots home except him. Plus, it was always more fun to see what sort of shit his friends start doing.

It all begins around Hyuck’s third drink, when he starts telling the story of how Jeno ended up going to not just the wrong class, but an entirely different building than he was supposed to be in. Jeno is scowling, shaking him to get him to stop, but that never works. 

Apparently, Jeno had woken up late and was in a daze. Hyuck was already gone from their shared apartment at that point, and Jeno was disoriented and pretty much let autopilot run him. He knew that he was supposed to have an Economics class, and he rushed to there. It took him around 10 whole minutes before he realized he didn’t recognize the professor, any of his classmates, or the material being taught. He had checked his schedule again, and it dawned on him that he was in a completely different building, and he couldn’t dash out quick enough.

Jeno groans, putting his face into his hands. Hyuck is smiling sweetly at him, trying to get him to uncover his face, but he’s still laughing.

And then it continues with Mark starting to mumble things with his head against his laptop keyboard. They (mostly Jaemin) manage to pry him off and ask him to repeat what he was saying. Mark was talking about some professor, and before he can continue, he downs another glass of the deceptively fruity drink in the tower that Jaemin had brought to the table.

They all thought that he had some sort of beef with this professor, but after much prodding, they realize it was quite the opposite. Mark was rambling about this professor because he _liked_ him.

Honestly, Renjun should have expected that one. He’d seen his friend be up and early way before he was even supposed to be at class, and suddenly he was dressing less like the Mark he knew and more like someone straight out of an H&M catalogue. Add to that the fact that he was bringing along his readings to _everywhere_. It was surreal. 

“I don’t have a chance with him,” he laments, chin in his hands. It makes him pout, as if he wasn’t already. “He’s like, 30 and it’s so wrong but he’s so cute and he’s so nice to me and it _sucks_ …”

Jaemin manages to pull him into a hug before he starts sobbing.

And it continues with Jeno having to physically restrain Hyuck and stop him from climbing the metal table and dancing to the latest Mamamoo song playing over the speakers. It’s an effort, because even if Hyuck is smaller and slighter than Jeno, intoxicated Hyuck has some sort of superhuman strength that has him able to get out of his boyfriend’s embrace. 

Mark helps to pull him down, and Renjun somehow wrestles him to the dance floor and just watches over him as his body automatically moves to the song. Hyuck tires out after some time, so Renjun holds him up while Jeno weaves through the crowd and practically hoists his nearly unconscious boyfriend up into his arms. They go back to the table, where Hyuck collapses onto Jeno and dozes off, mumbling about not being drunk at all.

It’s pretty much like any other drinking session they have. Nothing really new.

Apart from the fact that Jaemin doesn’t seem drunk either. It takes a while for him to get drunk, truthfully, but he still manages to get tipsy by the end of the night usually. Tipsy Jaemin cycled through either 10x clingier than usual, or 10x quieter. Right now, Jaemin was gingerly sipping his drink, looking amused at all his other friends.

Renjun nudges him using an elbow. “What’s up?” he asks, trying to look into Jaemin’s familiar brown eyes even though the strobe lights flashing behind him are making it difficult.

He thinks that his friend smiles, but he can’t tell. “Inflation rates.”

It earns him a punch on the arm. “What’s up with _you_ , I meant.”

Jaemin holds the hand that was used to hit him. “Nothing, Junnie.”

And Renjun wants to ask more, but he thinks against it. Whatever it is, forcing it out of him now probably won’t be good. He can try to ask again later, if he doesn’t crash into bed.

Together, they watch over their three intoxicated friends. Jeno is at least still mostly holding up, but the motion of running his fingers through Hyuck’s hair to calm him down seems to make him sleepy too. Jaemin is already beside him, subtly holding him up and engaging him in a conversation about his three cats that he misses terribly. 

Renjun, on the other hand, is trying to guard Mark and his gadgets. He immediately closes the laptop once he sees Mark opening his email and his messenger tabs, not wanting to risk it. Some minutes later, he sees Mark trying to unlock his phone, but his chin is on the table and his eyes are closed and he’s complaining that he can’t see anything and why didn’t he bring a charger? Renjun gently takes the phone from his hands and sets it somewhere beyond arm’s reach for Mark. He whispers that it’ll be okay, he can keep it safe.

It’s about half past 9 when Jeno walks into the wall behind him, and they all collectively decide to go home. Besides, Hyuck and Jeno’s late passes are only valid till 10:30. They all get up, and Renjun is the one to check that they didn’t leave anything behind. He totes Mark’s laptop bag and phone, not quite trusting him not to drop them somehow. 

Jaemin drives Mark’s silver Suzuki, with the three drunk ones squashed into the back and Renjun in the passenger seat. Before Jaemin backs out into the road, Renjun rummages in his bag for extra plastic bags, handing them over to each one in the event that they need to throw up because of the motion. There’s also thankfully a mostly-full bottle of water, and he hands it to Jeno, the most okay out of the three.

They get the couple to their dorm on time, and Hyuck clings a little too tightly to Renjun once they’ve stepped out of the car before he’s hauled into the building. Mark lives at the same building as Renjun and Jaemin, so they make their way home after making sure that the couple are already inside their dorm building.

On the drive to their dorms, Mark is still subconsciously lamenting his woes to them. Renjun listens as attentively as he can, answering Mark until he seems pacified. He can give better advice in the morning, once Mark actually remembers what he’s saying. At some point, Mark stops talking, but instead starts singing what Renjun thinks is a Carly Rae Jepsen song, all the while tracing the little drops of rain now on the windows.

At their dorm building, Jaemin parks Mark’s car in his assigned spot and gets out first to help Mark out. Renjun is still holding all of Mark’s stuff, and he trails behind them after making sure that the car doors are all securely locked. It’s a good thing that their building has an elevator, because as strong as Jaemin is, Renjun doesn’t think he can carry Mark up 5 flights of stairs.

Renjun unlocks the door, right after a moment of reflection in which he tried to recall if Mark had a roommate. Luckily (and true to how he remembers), Mark lives in one of the single-person units of the building. He had only bagged the place after the previous owner complained about some hauntings that are yet to be proven true. Mark had moved in with no problems, and though he wasn’t one to openly challenge any spirits, he just convinced himself that there weren’t any in that room. It’s worked splendidly so far.

Jaemin unceremoniously plops Mark down onto his bed, but their friend doesn’t even complain. He just snuggles into his gray sheets, the smallest smile gracing his features as he drifts off. Renjun sets down Mark’s stuff on the organized mess of a desk, then gently placing Mark’s phone on the bedside table should he need it. Jaemin pops out of nowhere with a mug full of water, which he also sets down on the bedside table.

They both say their goodbyes to Mark, and take the elevator to their floor.

Once inside their room, Renjun checks his own phone. There’s a text from Jeno, most likely saying that they’re home safe, or at least, as much as Renjun can comprehend with his many typos. Jaemin quietly toes off his shoes and rummages through the closet for his sleep-clothes, disappearing into the bathroom before Renjun can say anything.

Some time later, when Renjun has also changed and brushed his teeth, Jaemin is in his own bed, staring at his low ceiling. Renjun climbs into his bunk, taking out his phone and meaning to post whatever decent photos they had from tonight.

As he’s scrolling through his gallery, mostly full of Hyuck’s smiling face and for some reason, Mark’s ears, Jaemin speaks up. “They were disgusting today.”

Renjun chuckles softly. He’s not sure if it can be heard over the whirr of the airconditioning unit in their room that has always been a little too loud. “Who, Jeno and Hyuck? Yeah, they really make you realize you’re single as all hell, huh?”

Jaemin is quiet for a while, and Renjun almost thinks he’s fallen asleep. Until he speaks again. “I thought they were bad during all those years of pining…”

That makes Renjun laugh. Oh, Jeno and Hyuck were definitely worse once they got together. And by worse, he means that they’re unbearably disgusting together, but it was probably the one of the best things that’s happened in their friend circle. They were happy, finally, after years of everyone else trying not to slap it into their faces that they were already in love with each other. 

“It’s never bothered you before,” Renjun remarks. Jaemin wasn’t as much of a romantic as he was, but he was pretty damn close. He’d often coo over how cute everyone was when they got together, and Renjun knew exactly what movies to put on to make Jaemin cry (but he always denied it). Jaemin liked romance, liked that cute stuff, and he admitted it from time to time.

In the dark, Renjun can almost imagine his best friend pout. “I dunno. Must just be tired today.” Renjun hears the covers rustling, as he’s turning in his bed.

“Sleep, Jaem. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

There isn’t a response for that.

○○○

For the third time in a row, Jaemin is chosen as their course’s representative for the college-wide pageant.

And, for the third time in a row, Jaemin complains about it. “It’s not like I win it, so why keep choosing me? We all know Hangyul from Family Life and Child Development is going to win again this year. He’s all...beefy and stuff.” Jaemin’s lip curls as he says the words.

“You’re our best bet, apparently.” Renjun hands him his instant noodles with a fried egg on top. “I’ll have you know, you’re probably the most charming person in our course, so take them choosing you again as a compliment.”

Jaemin sulks in his favorite corner of their college building lobby. “I really shouldn’t have befriended Jinsoul.” Jinsoul was the president of the home org, which Jaemin also joined, mostly because he wanted to be able to write it on his resume.

Renjun elbows him. “That’s on you.”

Groaning, Jaemin just eats his noodles. Occasionally, he would peek at Renjun’s phone, where the smaller boy is scrolling through Pinterest for ideas already.

“The concept this year seems fun,” Renjun tells him, making a new board for all the inspo he finds. “ _The Cosmos and Beyond_. I feel like we’ll have fun with it.”

Jaemin was already set to become the sun, the unanimous decision amongst the seniors in their course. Renjun is at least 90% sure that his best friend tuned them out once they mentioned anything about him having a sunny smile. The seniors were already going to collect donations of recyclable materials to use for the costume, and Renjun has already been assigned as the head of the design team, like he has been for the past years.

“Can I look at the sketch everyone agreed on?” Jaemin’s hands are stretched toward him, fingers wiggling. Renjun reaches into his tote bag and feels for the piece of paper, then handing it over to his friend.

For a bit, Jaemin only looks at the sketch. Renjun has the time to idly scroll through the groupchat they made for the pageant preparations, then subsequently muting the groupchat until further notice. He’s never liked groupchats.

His friend grumbles beside him. “Are you saying I’m going to be _shirtless_?”

Looking up from his phone, Renjun looks at him blankly. “That was not my decision. Besides, what _would_ the sun wear? It’s not like the sun has a shirt.”

Scrunching up his face, Jaemin looks at the sketch again with disdain. “And then by next year, what? I’m just going to be in a Speedo?”

Renjun bumps his shoulders against his best friend’s. “Don’t speak it into existence.”

Jaemin goes quiet after letting out a sigh. He just goes back to his noodles and sulking. Renjun is thankful for the silence.

They spend the rest of their break with Renjun showing him all the photos he’s saved for inspiration, discussing every now and then what would look good for the final product. Even though Jaemin acts like he hates this, he gives his own ideas, taking Renjun’s sketchbook and adding little notes on the version that they’re drawing together. 

Sending the inspiration photos to the groupchat, Renjun reviews their work so far. It’s rough, but it’s the beginnings of something that was grander than the original sketch, while staying doable. He didn’t say it out loud, but Renjun wanted to make this one have an impact, especially if it was Jaemin’s last time to compete.

They had around a month to prepare, which isn’t really a lot given their busy schedules, but they had to make do. There was the costume making, the shoots for their posters, the voting period, and all the other preparations. Other than that, Jaemin was to be paired with someone, and they had to practice their dynamic together.

Renjun makes a small promise to himself that he’ll make sure Jaemin wins this time.

○○○

“You’re best friends with him?” Yuna, a freshman, asks him. She’s cutting out the sun rays drawn on the flattened cardboard box.

“Is that so hard to believe?” Renjun is trying to make the straps that will secure Jaemin’s huge sun piece to his back.

Yuna finishes the first sun ray, setting it aside. “One would think he’s best friends with everyone, which means none of them are his best friends.”

That makes Renjun chuckle. “That’s a good point. I am, however, actually his best friend and I can tell you he’s not best friends with everyone.”

Dongpyo, another freshman, is drawing out the circle for the sun on another piece of cardboard. He waves his pencil at her. “ _Everyone_ wants to be his best friend. Not everyone can be.”

Renjun straightens out, stretching his back. “You’re really discussing his friendships in-depth huh?”

They’re at Jinsoul’s condo unit, the coffee table put to the side and all their materials spread out across the hardwood floor. The seniors are mostly working on the costume for Jaemin’s partner, Yeji, while Renjun and pretty much everyone else worked on Jaemin’s. With a socked foot, Renjun gently nudged the shopping bag full of glitter for the costumes.

“He’s just… interesting,” Dongpyo says, a little sheepish. Once he’s satisfied with the circle, he places it next to Yuna’s pile of cardboard, ready for cutting.

“Jaemin gets that a lot.” Renjun uses masking tape to attach the pieces of garter to the small piece of backing. He’s measured Jaemin for this, of course, but it’s still difficult to be absolutely sure about everything. “I should introduce you to him properly.”

Yuna looks up from where she’s almost done cutting the second sun ray. “Really?”

Shrugging, Renjun says, “Yeah. I mean, we are going to work with him the rest of the month.”

Beside him, Minjoo reaches over for the hot glue gun so she can plug it in. “Is everyone really in love with him?” she asks in a hushed tone, focusing on gluing cut up barbecue sticks to a headband.

Renjun thinks about it. Well, surely most people saw a certain appeal about him, but he wasn’t sure if everyone is _in love_ with him. That’s not really something he asked people about.

“Uh, I don’t know,” he replies truthfully. “I never really thought about it?”

Their group is silent for a while, working on their own individual projects. The seniors at least had Yeji with them for checking how everything fit her, but they had to wait for Jaemin to finish an org meeting before they could meet with him and try to fit the pieces on him. Somebody should really start on his pants too, but right now every available hand seems to be occupied.

Everything done today was really just the base of it all, and they’ll get to painting and detailing the next time they meet, which Renjun isn’t sure when. They can at least attempt to get as much done as possible, so that there wasn’t a backload on the next meeting. 

It’s good that the ones helping this year seem to be more enthusiastic than the previous years. He feels like their sketches will be more possible to create a final product out of, instead of something that they will probably abandon halfway so that they can at least assure that a costume was done. It was a comforting thought.

Somebody is playing Lady Gaga over Jinsoul’s speakers, the sound bouncing off her walls. For a brief moment, he thinks of how the neighbors might be reacting right now, but it’s not like anyone in the condo unit really cares.

Halfway through You and I, somebody rings the doorbell. Jungwoo, possibly Renjun’s favorite senior, stands up and pads to the door. It opens to Jaemin, whose denim jacket sleeves are rolled up and is casually chugging his water. He waves to everyone as he comes in, plops down onto the only remaining space beside Renjun.

“Hi,” Jaemin says, bumping elbows with him. “How’s everything?”

“Not bad,” Renjun answers, noting how quiet everyone else in the group has become. “We’re just really getting started, though.”

“What can I do to help?” Jaemin is rocking back and forth a little, looking at their little group. Renjun wants to laugh at how none of them seem to want to talk suddenly.

“You can start with the pants,” Renjun offers, reaching behind him to get the plastic bag. “Eunsang over there can help you.”

The shy boy looks up from where he’s using a box cutter to carefully cut the sticks for the hairpiece. He crawls over to a space near the couch, and Jaemin follows him, the pants in his hands. 

It seems like everyone in the group follows them with their gaze. Renjun’s soft chuckle brings them all back.

“Well, _now_ I think everyone’s in love with him,” he says in hushed tones, just enough so that Jaemin won’t hear. “You should’ve seen how you look at him.”

Yuna ducks her head and goes back to work. Dongpyo is also now focusing on arranging the sun rays around the circle and marking the spots where they should be glued. Minjoo, however, has her eyes trained on Jaemin, who’s listening intently to Eunsang explaining what they have to do.

“Are you in love with him?” she asks. Most people would be surprised that they said something like that out loud, but she’s unfazed. She only looks at Renjun, expression open.

“Why?” Renjun replies, reaching for the glue gun to buy time.

“You said everyone’s in love with him.” Her voice is soft, but her words do not waver. “By that logic, you are too.”

Renjun puts down the glue gun, unminding of how it might pool melted glue onto the floor, and reaches out to gently pat Minjoo’s hand. He doesn’t give her an answer.

○○○

**TO-DO LIST**

☐ Buy more gold paint + glitters  
☐ Look for the star earrings bought last year  
☐ Call Hyuck over for make-up trial  
☐ Restock on bottled milk tea  
☐ Return canvas bags to Jinsoul  
☐ Follow-up on group presentation (message Sunwoo)  
☐ Take photos of agar plates  
☐ Return hard drive to Jisung  
☐ Proofread Jaemin’s Eng 30 paper  
☐ Watch movie for movie review in Soc Sci 2

○○○

Chenle is brushing out Jaemin’s hair, being as gentle as he can manage. Jaemin seems to entrust his whole head to the younger boy, letting it be pulled along as Chenle brushes out the knots.

There is a whole horde of bleaching and dyeing supplies spread out across their floor, and Renjun examines each one of them. He’s dyed his hair before, but not quite on this level. Chenle has brought a tub of bleach, a huge bottle of developer, mixing bowls and brushes, a whole box of gloves, and a bag of conditioner and toning shampoo. There’s also a little bottle of something that Renjun doesn’t know the purpose of, but he’ll probably find out soon.

Jisung is here too, lying down on his stomach up on Renjun’s bed. Renjun has opened his laptop for him, letting Jisung navigate through the folders for whatever show he wants to watch. He’s hoping that Jisung doesn’t spill the bowl of reheated fried rice and dumplings all over his sheets, but he’s prepared to wash them if ever.

“How blonde are we going?” Chenle asks, clipping the cape behind Jaemin’s neck. “I can just strip the last of his pink out and then bleach his roots.”

Jaemin looks up at Renjun. “Platinum.”

Dark eyebrows shoot up. “You sure?” he asks. Chenle reaches over to get a pair of gloves for himself. “That’s _really_ light.”

Nodding, Jaemin takes a deep breath. “They said to go platinum, so we gotta do that.”

The gloves make a little _snap_ against Chenle’s skin. “If you say so.”

Renjun thinks of getting Jaemin’s laptop from his desk so that he would be preoccupied while Chenle did his magic. Deft hands peek out from under the cape to open the laptop and input his password, and Renjun sees Chenle pretend he didn’t see what the password was.

The first thing that Chenle does is mix something in one of the mixing bowls. It’s not the bleach yet, Renjun guesses, because he doesn’t smell the familiar scent. Chenle sets the bowl down near his knees, clipping up sections of Jaemin’s hair.

He works quickly and efficiently, like he’s done this hundreds of times before. Renjun supposes that he has.

After the first process, which results to Jaemin emerging from the shower looking like a damp chick from washing off the first application of whatever it was, Renjun already realizes the change. No more of that peachy, faded color on Jaemin. It was much blonder now, but not quite platinum. 

The next applications are definitely bleach. Chenle works just as quickly, and Jaemin’s hair slowly looks like it’s covered with icing. The dark roots are left for last, and Jaemin winces a little once the bleach has settled on his scalp.

By the next wash, Jaemin’s thin sleep-shirt is pretty much drenched. Renjun laughs at him, and he only pouts as he sits back down for Chenle to finish up his roots.

Now, his hair is already considerably light, but Chenle assures that it will get better once they tone and everything. Renjun didn’t know what that meant exactly, so he only nodded and went to get snacks from one of their drawers. Opening a pack of barbecue chips, he fed both Chenle and Jaemin, careful not to get crumbs on Jaemin’s hair. It was really the least he could do.

By the last wash, about an hour or so later, Jaemin had completely given up on the shirt. He walks out into their room, topless and damp, his hair almost absolutely white. Like a toned, slightly tan, scowling Danny Phantom. Chenle sits him down again to help dry his hair, being careful because he knows Jaemin’s scalp must hurt. Renjun just sits there, the pathetically empty chip bag on his legs, staring as Jaemin bends his head down and lets his hair be dried.

He must be staring too hard, because Jisung throws his mini Moomin plushie straight at his head. Renjun looks up to glare at him, but Jisung only raises his brows in an “I saw what you were doing” expression.

Really, he should get used to Jaemin being shirtless. This week, they will have a final fitting for the costumes, and they need to see how it all sits on him before making any last changes, if any. He needs to be shirtless for that. Plus, Jaemin was going to be shirtless for the pageant, and Renjun will be with him pretty much the entire time.

But today, he only looks down at his lap, folding up the foil wrapper and pulling Jaemin’s laptop closer to him. He mindlessly searches for that cat channel on YouTube, wanting to distract himself while Jaemin dried off.

He could hear Chenle saying “come back next week to dye it platinum” and “use this oil for your hair as much as possible” and “damn, you should go platinum more often, hyung.” The hairdryer turns off, and Renjun lets himself glance up. Jaemin is slouching, running his fingers through his hair. Chenle has the sense to throw him a shirt, but it isn’t Jaemin’s, rather, it’s Renjun’s oversized PE shirt that he bought the previous year and never really bothered switching to a size that actually fit him. Jaemin slips it on without another thought, and he looks just about ready to take a nap.

He does, not even 10 minutes later, barely getting up onto his bunk and crashing there amongst his numerous plushies. Chenle and Jisung both stare at him for a moment, and Renjun supposes he’s staring too.

Chenle’s now-bare hands run through his own lilac hair. It’s arguably one of Renjun’s favorite colors on him, and he wishes that he’ll keep it. The younger boy catches him looking.

“Do you wanna get your hair done too?” he asks. “There’s still plenty of everything left.” He sounds a little tired, but ready nonetheless. Chenle is always ready.

Renjun doesn’t remember the last time he dyed his hair. All he knows is he asked his mom how box dye worked, and tried it out at his bathroom back at home. The whole thing was messy, and it reeked, and he barely saw a difference until he stepped out into the sun. He had wanted to try something else, but he just didn’t know how and when to do it.

And here his friend was, readily offering it. Renjun trusts Chenle more than probably any stylist out there, and definitely more than he trusts himself.

“Sure,” he says, scooting over to the spot Jaemin had vacated.

Cool, gentle fingers ran over his scalp. “Okay, then, what color are we doing? I think I have a few dyes in my bag.”

Renjun looks at his abandoned Moomin plushie on the floor, and then he tries to not make it obvious that his eyes dart to his sleeping roommate.

He has an answer.

○○○

Hyuck makes a double take the moment he sees him.

“Huang. Ren. Jun.” He’s gaping, and Renjun can’t help the giggle that escapes him. “You’re fucking pink?”

Instead of answering right away, Renjun just smiles around his milk tea straw. “Yup.”

“And I’m just seeing this now?” Hyuck is gesturing with his own cup of brown sugar milk tea. Jeno gently takes it from his boyfriend’s hand so that he doesn’t accidentally crush it.

“I just got it done yesterday, relax.” He leans against the rather flimsy railing surrounding the tiny stall. “Do you like it?”

Hyuck looks like he might just consider whacking Renjun with his milk tea. “Renjun. Listen. You look hot as fuck. No offense to my boyfriend right beside me.”

Renjun doubles over with laughter. “Everyone else said it’s cute, so that’s something new.”

The straw goes through the plastic cover of Hyuck’’s drink like a loud shot. “They just don’t see the potential. Have they not seen the IG baddies with all the pink hair? The Kpop idols with their pink hair and then the smokey eyes and the guns strapped to their leg? Honestly. So much potential.” He’s shaking his head as if he can’t quite believe that people are wasting all of it.

A smile spreads over Renjun’s face, soft. “Thank you, Duckie.”

“No prob, baby.” He blows a smooch in Renjun’s direction. “We should make you up on the day of Nana’s competition too.”

A cluster of stuck-together pearls slip into Renjun’s mouth, and he separates them with his teeth. “That won’t be necessary. It’s not my night.”

“Yeah.” Hyuck is nodding. “But you should look good for all those photos once Jaemin wins.”

And it makes him happy, how their friends always believed that Jaemin would win. This time, he’s sure he will.

“How’s the prep, by the way?” Jeno pipes up.

“Almost done,” Renjun answers. He toys with the unvarnished wood of the table. “Just need some final fittings and then it’s all good to go.”

Hyuck rests his chin on one of his palms. His eyes look honeyed in the afternoon sun. “We’re really gonna get shirtless Nana? For real?”

Renjun stops himself from biting his tongue. “Yeah. For real.”

“Damn.” Jeno makes a low whistle. “Our Nana’s all grown up.”

Deep down, Renjun was worried. He knew Jaemin wouldn’t back down, not now. Once Jaemin set his sight on anything, he was going to see it through the end. Still. This was something out of his comfort zone, and he didn’t quite know how he’d deal with it all.

The competition was in less than a week, and everything from the costumes to the practicing of the walks and the Q&A segment to the shoots for the posters were already done. All that’s left is the competition day itself.

Normally, Renjun is nervous, of course he is. They had put in a lot of time and effort into the whole thing, and they wanted to see it pay off. It would also be rewarding to see his best friend’s winning grin at the end of it all. Even though Jaemin seemed mostly resigned about the whole thing, he really did want to win. Renjun had often wondered what expression he’d have once he finally did.

Now, Renjun is scarily calm about it. Maybe he’s just better equipped about the whole thing, having done it twice before already. Or maybe, for the first time, he’s actually confident in the possible results. Of course, he can’t be sure, but he can feel it. He just knows.

Whatever it may be, Renjun is more prepared than ever.

○○○

“Can you hold the camera for later?” Jaemin asks, rifling through his backpack. The hood of his hoodie is up, and Renjun realizes that even he hasn’t seen much of Jaemin’s hair the past few days. 

Reaching out a hand, he replies, “Sure.”

It’s the day of the pageant, but they still have to go to class (classes for Jaemin) in the morning. They’d have plenty of time to prepare for later, and Renjun is ready for every possible thing. 

The clothing pieces of costume are at their dorm, as well as all of Hyuck’s makeup stuff. Mark is set to drive them back to uni once they’re done preparing. The bigger pieces are in the safekeeping of one of the professors, who keeps them in her office to retrieve later. Jeno and Jisung have handheld fans and boxes of tissue, and also another one of Jaemin’s cameras. Chenle had class until about two hours before the start of the competition, but he’ll be there in time to help with Jaemin’s hair. Everything is in place and ready.

Renjun tosses a brown paper bag to Jaemin. He’s aware that his best friend barely slept a wink from nervousness the previous night, and wasn’t able to eat anything before he went to class. Jaemin unrolls the top of the bag, peering in. He takes out a piece of Spanish bread, nearly putting the whole thing in his mouth in one go.

“Hey,” Renjun says, grabbing onto an elbow. “It’ll be alright.”

Jaemin nods numbly, chewing on his bread. “I sure hope so.”

They practiced with the questions last night, running through possible answers and refining them. Jaemin had joked that maybe Renjun should consider this as a career path, and Renjun was grateful that he had the will to even joke around the night before the pageant. 

It was also a good thing that today seemed to be an uneventful day in both of Jaemin’s classes. He didn’t need any more stress than he was already currently under. Renjun had kept holding his hand throughout the week, squeezing them reassuringly. Today, Jaemin was too tense for even a hug, but Renjun is sure to sneak that in later.

Even their professor is visibly excited about the pageant. It was one of the many events of the college, and one that many looked forward to. Half their class time is spent with their professor talking about how she went through the same pageant during her years at this college. Renjun thinks about how this particular professor seems to have a more colorful past than most of the other management professors.

She dismisses them early, bless her, even though she did leave a little homework for them to do. It’s fine, it was crammable the day before. Bidding them all goodbye and saying that she’ll see them later in the audience, she left the room, her heels clacking on the linoleum.

Renjun and Jaemin walk to the College of Arts and Letters, where they know Donghyuck has his classes for the day. Jeno is already at one of the nipa huts outside the building, looking like he’s considering taking a nap there. Upon seeing them, he perks up, waving through the opening at the side.

“Hyuck’s going to be another hour,” he informs them as they slide into the hut, their bags on the bamboo table. “We can have a quick lunch together but I need to leave after.”

Jeno still had a couple of classes, that much they knew. They’ll be joined by Jisung later too, after he’s picked up Chenle from the College of Economics. Renjun and Hyuck were going to do much of the earlier preparation, and they can manage until everyone else was already free.

As if sensing that Jaemin was jittery, Jeno takes out a Tupperware container full of red velvet crinkles. He was selling them, Renjun knew, but he says nothing about that fact when he opens it and pushes it towards their friend. Jaemin stares at it for a few moments, before reaching out a hand to take one.

Together, Renjun and Jeno try to make Jaemin a little less tense. He seems to want to deny that he feels that way, but he lets himself ease into the conversation. It’s more of a distraction that anything else, and Renjun is thankful that Jeno has about as many stories as Hyuck today.

The hour passes and they see their spritely friend emerge from the stairwell. He’s clipped his long bangs out of the way, and he’s dressed in a casual white tee and shorts. Hyuck always has a way of looking good no matter what he wears, mostly because he has a confidence about him that never wavers.

Walking up to the hut, he gives Jeno a quick smooch, and his boyfriend squirms a little at the attention. God, they really are making Renjun feel so single. Hyuck stands outside, rummaging through his canvas totebag for his coinpurse and phone. 

“Lunch first, right?” he asks to no one in particular, hand on his hip. Renjun appreciates that he doesn’t ask if they’re ready. He doesn’t know how any of them will answer. “Let’s go.” 

They eat at the place they go to when their classes end early and they don’t know where else to go. Jeno orders tonkatsu for all of them, and Renjun pours out bowls of soup from the thermos for them to sip on while they wait. Finding that he has enough money in his coinpurse, Hyuck buys mango graham shakes for all of them, or well, two orders (which come with another slightly smaller cup with each order, effectively making it 4 cups). Jaemin offers to pay for the food, but all of them refuse, stubborn just for today.

He’s quiet the entire time, content to just listen to Hyuck and Renjun ramble on about a professor they both got at some point, eating and smiling around his plastic cup of mango graham shake. It’s enough for now.

When they say goodbye to Jeno and he places a quick peck on Hyuck’s forehead, Renjun holds Jaemin’s hand again. There isn’t a tremor to it, never has been, but he knows that Jaemin appreciates the steadying touch. Renjun knocks his elbows against his and smiles.

Jaemin smiles back, no matter how shaky.

○○○

Chenle comes through Renjun and Jaemin’s dorm room door with something close to a crash. “I’m here!”

Hyuck barely looks up from carefully shaping Jaemin’s eyebrows. Renjun, though, comes to the door and takes Chenle’s backpack, setting it down by their cabinet. Trailing after him is a wide-eyed Jisung, holding onto a reusable bag with what seems like water bottles for all of them.

It doesn’t take long for Chenle to start working on Jaemin’s hair, and truthfully, now is the first time Renjun’s seen it fully. It’s a silvery white, amazingly not all that dry even after all the bleaching it had to go through. No trace of the pink that was there not that long ago. Jaemin looks sharper with it somehow, but also angelic in a way. Later, with the gold body shimmer on him, he might look even more so.

He calls Jisung over to help him with the costume pieces that are here. The embellishments they put on the pants, gold flames licking up the calves, need to be secured a bit more. Explaining what to do and how to do it, he leaves it momentarily to attend to the shoulder pieces. Some of the detailing got knocked off during transport, so he was just reattaching them.

They all work in busy silence, trying to be as quick as possible without compromising the quality of anything. Renjun would sometimes look up from where he’s reattaching the gold-painted bottle caps to the shoulder pieces to look at Jaemin. He’s calm, letting his head be tilted this way and that as both Hyuck and Chenle work on him. 

Jaemin’s beautiful, that’s a known fact. He just had features that were undeniably nice to look at, soft in places while his facial structure was a bit more angular. On most days, those features came off as friendly, the face of someone you can talk to freely. Some days, it was more prince-like, with every detail striking and elegant, refined grace in them. 

Today, he knows that Jaemin will be devastating. His eyes look even more piercing today, emphasized by the smokey eyeshadow and the gold liner. His hair isn’t even done yet, but it’s swept up and pushed back, showing off every angle of his face that can surely kill. There’s a glow to him, undoubtedly, but there’s an edge to it now. Like if you come too close, he can burn you.

He is the sun today, after all. And Renjun knows not to look at the sun for too long.

“Hyung,” Jisung’s voice disrupts his thoughts. “Does this look right?’

Renjun tears his eyes away from Jaemin, focusing on what Jisung is holding up. He’s scooting over to help him, and check the rest of his work.

It’s so easy to pretend he can ignore Jaemin. He wouldn’t ever really get tired of him, but sometimes he needed a break. Na Jaemin wasn’t the best thing for his health. So he’d go minutes at a time without looking at him or bumping shoulders with him or thinking about how he’s going to convince him to share his many blankets. It was good, that little break. It kept him in check, and he’d be able to handle being with him again.

But the thing is, those moments don’t last. It used to be easier, when Jaemin was still living in his house (even though it was just two down from his own). Everything was easier when he didn’t have to actually live with him, even though their days were too busy to have a lot of time together. The proximity, the fact that Jaemin is a pillow throw away from him, it made it near impossible to have a break.

In their friendship, neither were anchors nor sails. No, they each had their own ships, set to explore and discover on their own. However, they choose to sail together, braving unfamiliar waters and storms that throw them around. It was always nicer when someone was with you, by your side, even if the rest of the world wasn’t. 

Renjun and Jaemin were their own ships, with enough to sustain themselves for whichever journey they choose to embark on. They were their own, in that they chose their sails and their treasures and all the little workings. They chose their own private quarters and all the secrets they’d keep in them. 

And they shared, whenever needed. That’s the thing about ships. You can’t really know everything about any particular ship, even if the captain allows you to come on board. There was trust, yes, but also individuality. Separate entities, not entirely dependent on each other, and yet still connected.

When one was lost, the other is there to guide. When one doesn’t quite have the wind in their sails, the other is there to offer to tug them along. They might not always be at the same dock every single time, but they’ll meet again, and they will sail together once more. It’s how they’ve been, for as long as Renjun remembers.

Too close though, and they risk crashing into each other. Too close, and one might not see how much they might lose. Too close, and one will capsize.

Later, in Mark’s tiny car, with him, Hyuck, and Jaemin squashed together in the backseat and Chenle and Jisung struggling to squeeze into the passenger seat (possibly illegal? Renjun isn’t sure), he wonders how far he can let himself drift away. Away from the bright white ship that is Na Jaemin, whose sails they have mended together and whose cannons are dangerously accurate.

Chenle is whining in the passenger seat, saying, “Jisung-ah, your butt hurts me” and Jisung answering with “I told you I’d carry you!” distracts Renjun for a bit, but he can’t just forget about the warm presence bundled up in a tracksuit next to him.

So Renjun sometimes wishes that he can sail away, get lost somewhere for a bit, and not be scared of sinking because another all-too-familiar ship is now dangerously close.

○○○

When Jaemin is crowned the winner, Renjun wonders if he’s able to breathe at all. Because Renjun sure isn’t.

He barely snaps out of it even when Hyuck shakes him, enveloping him in a hug that’s too full of excited squealing. Everyone on his side is cheering, jumping up and down and causing the metal chairs to screech across the floor. It’s all noise and motion, and Renjun is frozen in place.

There’s a chance he could be wrong, but he wants to believe this one thing: Jaemin looked to him first. That was understandable, Renjun was in the front row after all, and with all their friends too. Of course Jaemin would look this way.

But the moment, the very _second_ his name was announced, Jaemin didn’t look at the front like he was trained to do. No, his eyes locked on Renjun, and Renjun could swear Jaemin wasn’t breathing. It was like the world suddenly was muted, all its sounds and reverberations very far away. He looked at Renjun, and Renjun didn’t know if those were tears in his eyes before the sash was put onto him and he was gently pushed to the front for the photos.

Renjun comes to when both Hyuck and Chenle are pushing him to the front, for the photo with their team and whoever else from their course is there. His hands automatically hand the camera to Hyuck, he thinks. He stumbles, just a bit, by the stage, and a ringed hand reaches out to help him. Taking it without thinking who it belongs to, he lets himself be pulled up, right against Jaemin and his watery smile. 

And Jaemin’s hand has always been familiar, a warmth that envelops his own and brings him back to the now. There’s flash from all the cameras and people shuffling on the stage to position themselves for the photo, and all Renjun really registers is how Jaemin’s gold eyeliner twinkles under the stage lights. Fuck that, _all_ of Jaemin looks like he’s shimmering, magical and nearly unreal. 

But the arm suddenly around Renjun’s waist is very real, pulling him in against Jaemin. Jaemin smells like lipstick and hairspray and the spray paint they used on the costume, and he’s warm but his fingertips are starting to grow cold from the airconditioning.

The cameras flash again, and Renjun has no idea what the fuck he looks like, but it’s okay. He knows he’s smiling the widest he has ever. Maybe not at the camera, maybe straight at the sun he’d willingly go blind for, but he doesn’t care.

○○○

Biking on Sundays is slowly becoming another habit. Jaemin used to do it with Jeno mostly, but now, Jeno usually went home to his parents every weekend. Renjun used to lay out a picnic blanket at the Sunken Garden and he and Hyuck would just sit, eating bananacue and fried spring rolls while waiting for the two to finish their rounds along the oval. Now, Renjun would bike with Jaemin, but never quite keep up with his pace.

Not that Jaemin minds, apparently. He’d already circled the oval twice when he passes Renjun, just a bit beyond halfway the distance. Jaemin will only slow down slightly, smile, and be on his way. Renjun has no idea why he’d think this would be fun to do on a Sunday, but to each their own.

Sundays at their uni are pretty peaceful, which Renjun enjoys immensely. As a kid, his parents used to bring him here so they could take leisurely strolls, pointing out all the dogs and buying from the street food vendors. They’d point out the buildings, tell him their names and what colleges they were. Renjun never really recalled any of them until he got into the uni himself, though, but he had marvelled at their impressive sizes and how each building had its own character.

Sundays here felt like an entirely different world, one that is familiar but so foreign at the same time. Some of the leaves were falling from the trees that Renjun will never be able to name, no matter how many times Mark casually pointed out each one and gave their common name as well as their scientific name. It looked a bit like fall, even though there wasn’t really an actual season like that here. It was postcard-worthy, he was sure, because he’d seen such postcards at the school bookstore.

And everything was so quiet. Their steps echoed through the buildings when they would pop in to go to the comfort room. None of the usual bustle, the people crowding at the lobbies and hurrying from class to class. There were less vehicles too, less of the sound of the jeeps and people scrambling to catch them. 

Like this, their uni was a painting. Something that people wrote about dreamily, took photos of and posted on their social media accounts. After all, some people only really liked their uni for the aesthetics of it, and not what it stood for.

Renjun loves their uni. He thinks maybe he grew up loving it, because his parents did too. They had gone to college here, met here, graduated here. Then, when they had him, they brought him here too. Renjun theorizes that maybe his first real steps were somewhere in this campus. It held a lot of his firsts, he realizes.

But more than the idea of this uni that he grew up with, the one that his grade school teachers talked about, he learned to love it for what it is. Almost everyone held it to such a high regard. Teachers hoped that their students would pass at this uni. Parents enrolled their kids in review programs so that they could have a supposedly better shot at getting in. Ask many young kids of school age what their dream uni was, and there was a large possibility that it was this one.

Getting into this uni, Renjun realized that it wasn’t perfect. It was far from it. Many systems still needed quite a lot of improvements. There were still many shit things that happened inside the uni, a lot of them brushed under the rug. The requirements could be brutal, and so many were worked to the bone. Nothing was absolutely, undoubtedly fair all around. It wasn’t all sunsets and nature and all the rare birds chirping amongst the greenery. It wasn’t all that perfect image that so many had formed.

But nothing had to be perfect for it to be loved. Renjun loved it for the way that it made them think, made them see, made them reflect. There were things that they didn’t quite notice before, and that they would slowly come to a realization were harmful. Renjun loved it for the way it sparked something within them that made them want to make changes in the world that they were becoming too comfortable in. He loved it for the way that it wasn’t forgiving, that nothing was really ever handed to them like it was easy. Life wasn’t easy. No matter who they were, they had to work for things here.

And he loved it for the way that even through all the injustice, all the dirty secrets and the discrimination that still happened, there were safe spaces everywhere. Here, barely anyone gave judgmental stares, barely anyone questioned why he was the way that he was unless he was harming someone. It was comfortable, unlike so many other places beyond the borders of this, and it had felt like home.

This uni also made him realize that he cannot love blindly. This place may always have a place in his heart, and if he ever gets kids he’ll bring them here too, but he can’t just sweep all its problems under the rug too. He had to work to make sure that some things change around here, even the smallest things. He knew he became better here, and he knows that it can be better around here too.

Because love, truly loving something is acknowledging that it won’t always be a dream, it won’t always be what everyone hoped it would be, and that was okay. It’s helping change them, because loving something is caring for that something, caring enough to know that it can always be better.

By the time that Jaemin is done, the sky is starting to turn into hues of pink and orange. His smile is still bright as ever as he comes up to where Renjun is waiting for him. Renjun gave up at some point, already getting what he deemed was enough exercise for the week. 

Jaemin is almost glowing in the sunset, and there might not be a painter skilled enough to capture just how much he illuminates this particular spot of the oval. Like starlight, like sunbeams caught in jars, that’s how he is.

He leaves for a bit to get ice cream cones for the both of them, and when he’s back, he’s already licking up the melting ube flavor all over his one hand. Renjun takes the mostly intact one, sitting down on one of the stone benches that line the oval and looking up as the heavens change color again.

Loving something is knowing that at some point, he might get hurt. Nothing was perfect, after all. There’ll always be a jagged edge, something he has to learn to smooth over.

Things now were really just all these habits blurring together to become one big habit. One big, platinum-haired habit who Renjun stole jackets from. Something he doesn’t have to think too much about, something that just… happens because his system is now so used to it. Something he fell back on even when he tried to get rid of it.

But loving Jaemin wasn’t a habit. It was a choice he made, he kept making. He’s conscious of what he’s doing, of course he is. And even in their most peaceful moments, in their happiest seconds, Renjun keeps waiting for that jagged edge that will cut him, that he’ll have to smooth over.

Oddly enough, it hasn’t come, but something still hurts.

○○○

Jaemin doesn’t really get his heart broken all that often, at least to Renjun’s knowledge.

So when he comes home and just barely gets to take his backpack off before lying down on the floor on their cheap rug, Renjun raises his eyebrows.

“Is something wrong?” he asks, peering over his bunk rail at his best friend. Jaemin has that blank look on his face, when he’s trying to blink away the feelings he doesn’t want to process.

“Yes.” Even his voice is dead. “Junnie. You know how I hate it when there’s someone cute in class, right?”

Renjun huffs out a laugh. “What’s his name?”

Curling into a ball on his side, Jaemin seems to be staring at the wheels of Renjun’s desk chair. “I don’t even know. That’s the problem.”

“How can you not know his name?” They were halfway through the semester already, he didn’t have an excuse not to know his name.

“It’s a big class, okay!” Jaemin whines. “I don’t know the names of anyone there other than my seatmates.”

Sighing, Renjun comes down from his bunk, then sitting down by Jaemin’s spine. “How’d you meet him then?”

When his best friend doesn’t respond, he pokes him on the side, where he knows he’s ticklish. Jaemin jolts, and squirms for a few moments as Renjun continues to tickle him. He stops only when he manages to grab hold of Renjun’s wrists, making sure his hands are far from him. “I _will_ kick you if you don’t stop tickling me.”

“Try me, Na.”

Renjun manages to wrestle out one hand that he uses to poke at Jaemin’s other side. Jaemin all but shrieks his head off, trying by desperately failing to wriggle out of arm’s length. While he’s squirming, Renjun retrieves his other hand, caging Jaemin in with tickles.

From all the motion, Jaemin somehow knees Renjun in the stomach, which causes him to double over. Jaemin uses that opportunity to escape, whipping himself upwards and positioning his fingertips just where Renjun is ticklish too. Renjun pretty much flops to the floor like a dying fish, and it’s useless to try to get Jaemin off of him when he has a height and weight advantage.

While tormenting him with tickles, Jaemin gets out, “He sat next to me the past few days.”

Barely able to process that, Renjun tries to grip at Jaemin’s hands to pull them away. “What?”

“I said,” Jaemin enunciates. His hands are unyielding on Renjun’s sides. “He sat next to me the past few days.”

Renjun gives up on prying his hands off and instead aims for Jaemin’s sides again. He jolts back, hands coming up to cover himself. Jaemin pauses then, and when he leans back in, Renjun thinks he’ll be tickled again.

Instead, Jaemin just has his hands on either side of Renjun’s head, leaning over him, his hair flopping downwards. “I didn’t know why he did it. He just did. And when he dropped his pen and I picked it up for him, I saw his face and goddammit, he’s _cute_.”

Trying to bat him away, Renjun says, “Have you talked?”

Jaemin scowls. “Other than asking about homework and if there’s a quiz for the day, not really.” He’s still not making any move to get off, so Renjun only takes a deep breath. Jaemin liked doing this, caging him in while he explained something so he was sure that Renjun wouldn’t ignore him or attempt to throw something at him.

“Why not? You’re not going to go far with this if you don’t talk to him.” Renjun relaxes as much as he can against the cold tile floor. They’ve kicked the rug to somewhere, and he wishes that he has it under him right now.

His best friend flusters. “I don’t know how to talk to him.”

“Oh my god, Jaem.” Renjun reaches up to grab an ear, twisting it slightly. “You know how to talk to almost anyone out there, but have one cute boy beside you and you malfunction?”

“I don’t like it, okay.” Jaemin looks like a 5-year-old now, all pouting and wide-eyed. “I look at him and suddenly my 21 years worth of words are gone.”

Renjun pokes him at the middle of his forehead, right between his brows. “Just say hi, at least. Once he says hi back, you can start from there.”

Seeming to consider this, Jaemin looks away for a moment. It’s at that exact moment that they hear a voice from where their door is.

“Uh, am I interrupting anything?” Mark asks. 

Renjun jolts upright so fast that he bumps heads with Jaemin, and he subsequently goes back down to the floor. Everything is spinning quite a bit. Jaemin is at least off him now, rubbing at his forehead.

“Mark?” Jaemin asks, and his voice sounds like a groan. 

“Yeah, that’s me. Mark, who is uh, perhaps intruding. Should I go?” Renjun thinks he hears Mark’s sneakers scuff against the floor when he moves.

Jaemin stumbles as he gets himself up, and the reverberations on the floor aren’t helping Renjun, whose head is still on the tile. “No! It’s fine, you weren’t interrupting. Just come inside, Mark.”

Somehow, Mark is ushered into Jaemin’s desk chair, and he looks down at Renjun in concern. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, fine. It’s just that Jaemin’s head feels like a bowling ball.”

Jaemin sticks his tongue out at him.

“Why are you here, Mark?” Renjun asks, turning on his side. Not the best idea, his cheek is kind of pressed to the floor, and they haven’t vacuumed in a while, but Renjun can’t get himself to peel away.

The senior fiddles with his hands in his lap. “I was just thinking of popping by, really! Just wanted to hang out.”

Jaemin puts a hand on Mark’s arm. “And?”

“And…” Mark takes in a shaky breath. “I was uh, studying. For an exam this week. And then I got really anxious about the whole thing and I just needed to get away.”

Without another moment of hesitation, Renjun holds out his arms as best as he could. “Come here, if you want. I’ll hold you.”

Biting his lip, Mark seems to consider it. Renjun sees the exact moment he thinks “ah, fuck it” and slides off of Jaemin’s chair, landing on the floor and coming close. Renjun pulls him in the rest of the way, and Mark squeaks as he’s embraced. 

“Are you sure you wanna stay here? Isn’t it cold?” Mark asks, but makes no move to leave, anyways.

Soon enough, Jaemin wraps around Mark’s other side as well, pulling them all together into a tight hug. They’re on the dirty floor, and it’s cold, and their limbs are all awkward, yet Renjun knows they wouldn’t have it any other way.

○○○

Today, Jaemin slides into his usual chair with a bit more energy than he usually has at this time of week.

“Guess what,” he says. Renjun manages to stuff his mouth with a fried siomai as he awaits a reply.

“What?” Poking the next siomai with the toothpick, Renjun presses it into the pool of soy sauce even more. 

“I talked to him.” Jaemin’s expression shows that he’s excited, and also incredulous.

“Oh?” Renjun pops the fried dumpling into his mouth. “How’d it go?”

Jaemin takes in a deep breath, and it’s shaky, but in the way that happens when he’s pumped about something. “Well.” He can’t help the smile that spreads across his face. “We were just talking about the homework, and then he asked me what my course was, and then he said that he’s apparently in the same college as us, just a different course! And I was like, hey why haven’t I seen you before? And he says it’s because they barely go to their own building, which is like, 10 feet from this one.”

As he recounts even more of their conversation, Renjun can tell how happy he is about the whole thing. This is the first time he’s seen him so visibly vibrating at being able to talk to someone.

“And then, we added each other on Facebook so we can chat, and now I’m scared of chatting but at the same time,” his smile looks like it can split his face, “I’m so happy about the whole thing.”

Giving Jaemin another siomai, Renjun says, “That’s so great for you! Make me your best man at the wedding, yeah?”

That earns him a slap on the arm, but he’s giggling. “Shut up. You might jinx it.”

Renjun makes a zipping motion across his mouth. “Really though. I’m so happy for you.”

Jaemin’s answering smile is soft, and Renjun almost thinks that he will tear up. He doesn’t though, just accepts more food and tries to recount how they said goodbye to each other before leaving the auditorium.

○○○

It’s past 10 when Jaemin comes back to the dorm. Renjun is already half asleep, just scrolling through his phone.

He first sees the sliver of light from the hallway, and then he hears Jaemin moving in the dorm. There’s him putting down his bag, taking off his shoes, walking towards the bunks. When Renjun feels him climbing the ladder to his bunk, he sits up.

He’s met with Jaemin’s face, wide-eyed and almost like it’s shining. Before Renjun can ask any questions, Jaemin quietly says, “He asked me to be his boyfriend.”

And Renjun doesn’t have to ask what the answer was.

○○○

“Hey,” Chenle is making vaguely threatening gestures with his fork. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

“Tell you what?” Renjun is slicing through his barbecue chicken. “I don’t remember having something to tell you.”

There’s an exasperated noise from the younger boy. “Like uh, when Mark caught you in a compromising position?”

Oh. That.

“I didn’t tell you because nothing happened,” Renjun says matter-of-factly. “Jaemin was telling me about something, and sometimes he does this thing where he leans over me so I can focus on him.”

Chenle exchanges a look with Jisung who has his fork with spaghetti halfway to his mouth. When they turn back to face him, both have an eyebrow raised.

“And you honestly think that it’s weird that people think you’re together when you do shit like _that_?” Chenle looks like he’s between disgust and utter confusion. “Really?”

Resignedly, Renjun puts down his utensils, lacing his fingers together. “Well, this time, people really shouldn’t think we’re together.”

“Because…?”

“Because.” Renjun blinks at him, and Chenle only raises the other brow. “He’s in a relationship with someone now.”

Chenle and Jisung’s utensils clatter to the table almost at the exact same time. “What?

For some reason, Renjun wants to reach out and hold their hands. He doesn’t. “Jaemin has a boyfriend now. And it’s not me.”

Jisung is able to pull Chenle’s plate away just in time before his friend stabs his chicken with his fork. “ _What?”_

○○○

Hyuck kicks Jaemin’s shoe with his flip-flopped foot. “Yah. When are we meeting your boo?”

A soft smile tilts the corners of Jaemin’s mouth up. “Soon. He’s just busy with a lot of stuff right now, but I told him all about you all and he’s excited to meet you.”

Almost imperceptibly, Jeno’s eyes slide to Renjun, who just offers a tiny shrug.

“And why didn’t we know about him sooner?”

The tips of Jaemin’s ears turn red. “It’s just that...I didn’t really know how to approach it. You know I haven’t dated anyone _ever_ , so I was scared to tell you because what if it wasn’t real? What if we barely lasted a week? I just didn’t want to give any of you false hope or whatever.”

It’s true. This was a first for Jaemin, so he was understandably nervous. He didn’t really know how to navigate the whole thing, which is why he’s asked Renjun all sorts of questions.

Renjun rubs a hand on Jaemin’s back. “It’s real, Jaemin. You’re in an actual relationship.”

Why does it feel like he’s confirming it for himself, too?

○○○

They meet him at a tiny cafe tucked into a corner of Maginhawa street. Emphasis on _tiny_ , because they get almost all the chairs in the place.

Jaemin is already there with his boyfriend before anyone else arrives. He stands up when they enter, giving each of them a hug. Somehow, they squeeze around the table, pulling chairs and stools from the other tables. Jeno goes to the counter to order for all of them, having memorized their preferences at this point. Jisung volunteers to help him carry all of them to the table.

Renjun is pressed against the exposed brick wall, his t-shirt barely providing a barrier between his skin and the rough wall. He doesn’t say anything, just folds himself up neatly so that everyone can fit.

The boyfriend is pretty handsome, in the way that seems like he can charm most moms. He’s dressed in what might constitute as casual for him, but it’s better than about 90% of them, with his patterned button down and his very obviously Uniqlo shorts. God, he and Jaemin might as well be sharing clothes at this point.

His name is Kyungjae, and he has a smile that is orthodontics-perfect. Jaemin introduces each of them one by one when Jeno and Jisung return with the drinks. Kyungjae repeats each name, trying to imprint them onto his memory.

The thing about him is that he’s nice. Honestly. Kind and courteous and listening to everyone who speaks. He does seem lively, but maybe he’s shy about being around them, pretty much surrounded by all these strangers. He engages in conversation with Hyuck and even Jeno, gently asking for stories about Jaemin. At some point, Chenle gently nudges Renjun, and even though he says nothing, Renjun knows what he means. 

Out of the whole group, he has the most stories about Jaemin. But he still hasn’t spoken up, just listens to everyone’s anecdotes. He doesn’t quite know how to speak yet, all the words tangled in his throat.

But he can’t escape it when Kyungjae says to him, “Renjun, right? Jaemin has so many photos of you.”

And the entire group goes quiet. He can feel every eye on him, can feel how Chenle’s hand is gripping the back of his denim jacket. Suddenly, Renjun’s fingers feel ice-cold.

“Yeah,” he croaks out. “That’s...That’s me.”

Mark pretends not to slurp up every single boba ball in his milk tea.

“I’m so happy to meet you,” Kyungjae smiles, and when he does, Jaemin does too. “I’d love to get to know you better. After all, Jaemin _adores_ you.”

Jisung pretends he doesn’t choke on his aloe strips. Renjun hopes the airconditioning quells his stupid blush.

“That'd be great,” Renjun says, and Chenle’s grip might as well rip right through the denim. He’s praying to every god that his voice doesn’t come out as a squeak. “I’d love that too.”

Since no one else is saying anything, Kyungjae leans forward, hands clasped. “I swear, Jaemin talks so much about you, I’d think he was into you, you know?”

When Hyuck starts coughing, most likely having his milk tea go down the wrong pipe, Jeno pats his back firmly to help him get it out.

“But anyways, can you tell me about him? I mean, of course, I’ll get to know more about him soon, but I also wanted to know how his best friends saw him.”

And he looks so sincere, so eager to learn, that Renjun feels his heart drop to his feet. His stupidly cold feet because he chose to wear goddamn sandals today.

Next to him, Jaemin looks at Kyungjae the way he does when he’s completely enamored, which is honestly a rare sight. Jaemin looks at everyone warmly, but this was different. Their hands are linked together, and Renjun knows what holding Jaemin’s hand feels like.

All too well, maybe.

“He’s…” Renjun swallows, and chooses to blame it on the damn boba balls. “He’s the warmest person I know.”

Everyone is looking at him again, and Renjun ignores it.

“Like, literally and figuratively. He’s really good with hugs, and he’s super warm! I swear, you wouldn’t need blankets with him around.” 

When he looks to Jaemin, he sees that smile. It’s soft, a bit watery. It’s Renjun’s favorite smile on him.

“And he’ll hug you a lot. So expect to either sweat or just be nice and toasty. Really though, the sweat is real.” It startles a laugh out of the couple, and Renjun wishes he doesn’t see their hands become even tighter clasped together.

Renjun feels a corner of his mouth tilt up. “But he’s also really warm to you in the sense that he cares. He cares so much. It’s not always visible, what he does. But he checks up on you, he learns about all your favorite things so he can use those to cheer you up, he notices the slightest change in your tone, your actions.” He feels like he’s breathless as he says these things, but he goes on. “And then he won’t go until you feel better. Even when you fuck up and feel like shit, he’ll be there. He’ll be there on your worst ideas, and support you with your best ones. Jaemin doesn’t leave. He stays because he’s more stubborn than you will ever be. And he’ll hold you the entire way.”

Kyungjae is intently listening, as well as everyone else (even though they pretend they aren’t), so Renjun continues. “And god, sometimes he can be annoying. He’ll poke at you and whine for attention until you give it to him, but listen to me when I say that you shouldn’t get tired of him. Even when he’s randomly loud. Even when he just won’t give up until you talk to him. Even when he’s stubborn as all hell. Don’t give up on him. Because nobody will care about you the way he does. Nobody will listen the way he does, will tirelessly look after you like he does. Nobody will love you like that.”

Out of the corner of his eyes, he knows that his friends are gaping at him. He’s going to get a lot of looks from now on. But all he sees is Jaemin, right in front of him, breathing deeply like he’s about to cry, reach out to Renjun, _something_. The seconds pass, and that’s still all he sees.

“Wow,” Kyungjae breathes, and it breaks all of them out of their spell. “That’s...wow.”

Renjun knows he can’t fight down the blush rising up his skin now. “Yeah. That’s what I got in the 15 years I’ve known him.”

When they’re quiet for too long after that, Hyuck starts chatting Kyungjae up about his course and what he does there. Nearly everyone tries to contribute to the conversation, also offering their experiences.

And once more, Renjun is the only one that stays quiet. He looks up at Jaemin, and finds that he’s looking too. 

○○○

It’s past dinnertime when they leave the little cafe. Jaemin leaves with Kyungjae, Renjun’s oversized denim jacket looking just right on him (Jaemin said that it was cold, neither he nor Kyungjae had a jacket, and Renjun had already taken his off. It’s fine. He’ll get it back in a day).

The rest of them are walking to where Jisung will take a jeep to go home. Hyuck, Jeno and Mark stay at the front, marvelling at all the shops lining Maginhawa, while Chenle and Jisung flank Renjun. Their group is quieter, with Chenle texting his roommate that he’s going to be home in a bit and Jisung fiddling with the strings of his hoodie.

When they realize that Renjun hasn’t said anything after they left the cafe, they both gently nudge him, almost in sync. 

“He was...nice,” Chenle says, kicking some tiny rocks. “I like him.”

Renjun nods. “I like him too.”

It’s Jisung’s stare that he feels on him. “I think we’ve all come to the consensus that we like him.”

He can feel the unspoken _But he’s not you, hyung_ that Chenle would’ve surely said if he had no filter. Which, usually, he didn’t, but he seems extra careful tonight.

“I just hope Jaemin doesn’t forget about us,” Chenle says instead, and under the streetlights, his hair seems to change color. “Like those people that abandon their friends when they get someone in their lives.”

Pouting, Renjun says, “Jaemin isn’t like that.”

They all nod, and continue to walk quietly. Jisung can get on a jeep in just a few more meters.

“Hyung,” Jisung says, hand gently resting on Renjun’s elbow. They’re just a few steps away. The three in front look back at them, waiting. “Hyung. Please don’t forget either that you’re Jaemin’s best friend. You’re his favorite person. Okay? Please don’t forget that.”

He isn’t sure what he means by that, but Renjun nods. It’s not like he has any plans to forget that any time soon.

Jisung leaves right after, saying goodbye to everyone. They all watch as the jeep zooms away, and then it’s time for them to part ways too.

Mark’s car is parked a little far, and when they get to it, Renjun all but crashes into the passenger seat. Wordlessly, Mark drives them to their dorm building, choosing not to even turn on the radio.

He also walks Renjun to his door, and Renjun hugs him. Mark is a little surprised by this, but he hugs back. Something about it makes a deep ache run through Renjun.

In his room, _their_ room, he tries his hardest not to look at Jaemin’s desk chair. He only puts his keys, wallet, and after a moment’s consideration, his phone, on his own desk. Renjun climbs the ladder to his bunk and stuffs his face into his pillow.

He doesn’t dare peek at the empty bed right across from his.

○○○

**TO-DO LIST**

☐ Get more shampoo  
☐ Ask Chenle to dye hair again?  
☐ Call the airconditioner repair man  
☐ Pay rent for this month  
☐ Organize sock drawer  
☐ Finish report  
☐ Go home to get better bed sheets  
☐ ~~Ask Jaemin to eat dinner together?  
~~ ☐ ~~Call Jaemin  
~~☐ Organize Jaemin’s plushies

○○○

God, when did Jaemin acquire all these plushies? The guy has 32. _Thirty. Two._

Renjun grumbles to himself as he rearranges them, the biggest at the top and a bit pushed back, the smaller ones closer to the pillow Jaemin uses for his head. It almost overflows the railing of the bunk, and Renjun clutches the Ryan plushie to his chest after almost dropping it.

He should really tell Jaemin to cut back on them.

○○○

When Renjun goes home to get more of his own bedsheets, only his mom is home. She greets him, following him to the linen closet as he rummages for whatever sheets he still has here.

“Hey,” she says, and Renjun knows she expects some sort of story. “School been okay?”

Carefully placing the sheets into his backpack, Renjun replies. “Well. The _school_ is okay…”

His mom comes over to him and pinches his cheek, hard. “Renjun.”

“Okay, okay.” He sighs, placing the Spongebob sheets into his bag as well. “Just been stressed. I don’t have a lot of classes but there’s so much to do in each one of them. I have about 7 papers to do, plus presentations.”

A hand wanders to his hair, tugging gently at the faint pink strands. Her hands smell faintly of chives. “That’s college for you.” 

“I know,” he says quietly. Crouching down, he looks through their many blankets. The one he has at the dorm is a bit thin now. “So really, I just need sleep.”

For a few minutes, his mom is quiet, her fingertips drawing circles into his scalp. It’s something she’s done ever since he was a kid, and she knew very well that it was soothing for him. He can admit that he misses this part of being home.

“Is that all?” she asks, and her voice is so soft. “Is everyone okay? Hyuck, Jaemin, all of them?”

Renjun realizes he can’t fit more than one blanket into his backpack, so he looks for a particularly good one. He knows it’s here somewhere. “Everyone’s okay.” A pause. “Jaemin has a boyfriend now.”

He doesn’t need to look at her to know she’s raised an eyebrow. “Oh, really? Wow. When did that happen?”

Frowning, Renjun tries to count back how long it’s been. “Around a month now.”

The fingertips on his scalp press a little more firmly. “How is he? The boyfriend.”

It’s easy to conjure up an image of Kyungjae, smiley and kind and nicely dressed. He can remember how he and Jaemin held hands. “He’s nice.”

His mother is some sort of magic, really, because she hears the hesitation in his voice. She doesn’t comment on it though, because she knows better than to do that. “That’s good to know. Maybe we’ll meet him soon.”

But Renjun knows that she’d rather not meet whoever this boyfriend is. After all, she’d always believed that Jaemin and Renjun would end up together.

Renjun doesn’t have the heart to tell her that it was never going to happen.

○○○

Like he does most days now, Renjun lays down on his bed, stares at Jaemin’s name in the recent chats list for about 5 minutes, and then turns his phone off.

○○○

At the Snack Shack in Area 2, Jeno pays for Renjun’s burger and adds on an order of loaded fries, because he understands Renjun.

“I’ll buy you ice cream later too, if you want,” Jeno says when he pops a fry into his mouth.

Renjun smiles. Jeno is the absolute sweetest. “Thank you.”

Jeno doesn’t try to prod or anything. That just wasn’t how he is. All he does is eat, waiting until Renjun seems like he’s ready to talk. That point comes when Renjun is halfway through his grilled bacon cheeseburger.

“Tell me, Jeno, do I look like shit?” In the morning, Renjun had tugged on the locks of his hair, frowning at how much the pink had faded. He hadn’t asked Chenle to redo them yet. He really should.

Okay, maybe he stared at his hair too long to completely ignore the rest of his appearance. He knew he looked a bit like he had been run over by a truck that carried more trucks, because he sure as hell felt like that.

“Like, on a ‘not-taking-care-of-yourself’ basis or a ‘just-generally-shit’ basis?” 

“Either.”

“Yes on both.”

Renjun groans. “I hate hell month.”

That was another thing about their uni. They didn’t have hell weeks. They had entire hell months, and the campus was just full of the walking dead at this point. Renjun very much included.

“Nobody likes hell month, Junnie.” He slides over his plate of spicy wings, and Renjun takes one. “But I don’t think it’s just the hell month.”

Taking a bite of the chicken, Renjun chews thoughtfully. “I hate it when you’re right, Jeno.”

And well, he was always generally right. Which is worse, because that means Renjun can’t really escape it.

Jeno nudges him with his knee under the tiny table. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Renjun knows that Jeno will be fine with him saying no. Jeno didn’t want to push him to do something he didn’t want to do. Besides, Hyuck will get answers sooner or later anyways. But Jeno was just fine with being a presence, someone to lean on, and they really didn’t have to talk.

But Renjun has been keeping shit to himself for weeks now, and he’s worried it’s coming out of every orifice he has and he just doesn’t notice it. Might as well let it out in a relatively dignified and socially acceptable way: by talking to his friend.

“Yeah.” Renjun finishes the wing, and drops the bones to his own plate. “Jaemin hasn’t come back to the dorm for two months now.”

“And that bothers you?” Jeno doesn’t sound judgmental. Renjun thinks he’s not capable of sounding like that. 

He bites the inside of his cheek. “Yes.” There was no point in beating around the bush with Jeno, because he was better at helping when the person is honest, especially to themselves.

Calmly sipping at his iced tea, Jeno asks, “Why?”

Renjun has an answer. He’s been stewing in that answer for a bit. Because, well, when left alone at the dorm, all he can do in his free time is ask himself questions and run the answers through with himself, refining them.

“I miss him,” he replies simply, because it’s the truth. No matter what answer he came up with, that one made the most sense and didn’t need refining. He just missed him, plain and simple.

“And did you tell him that?” Jeno’s eyebrows are raised. He has great eyebrows too. Why is it that everyone has great brows and he has shit ones? It’s not fair.

“No.” That’s the truth too. He’s always prided himself at being great at communication during group projects, which is why he’s almost always chosen as leader. But Renjun was never great at communicating stuff like that. It just… didn’t work.

“Why not?” And Jeno doesn’t sound tired. He sounds like he understands every unspoken reason that Renjun has for not telling Jaemin that, for not telling Jaemin _anything_. It’s just that he needs Renjun to say it out loud, and maybe admit more things to himself.

He thinks Jeno will be great in the HR department.

“Because.” Renjun inhales, using the excuse that he has food in his mouth to not answer right away. “I can’t be sure that he misses me too, because of course he’s busy with his boyfriend, and then that would be embarrassing, and I don’t think I can deal with that–”

“Junnie, don’t make me call Hyuck down here.” Jeno’s tone is even as ever, but the threat is very much real. “I think you’re going to need a few slaps across the face.”

Renjun sighs, stuffs his face with more of the burger. Chews, swallows. “I just… I dunno. I feel like I’m back to the time when I kept trying and he just wouldn’t respond.”

That time in Renjun’s life was one that he was sure he didn’t want to go back to. They were both a mess, with their stress over college applications and the final semester in high school and many other miniscule things that just added fuel to the fire. It was a time when Jaemin seemed to close himself off from everyone, including Renjun. 

Renjun tried again and again to reach out to him. It hurt to feel him drift away. It hurt to not know what was going on with his best friend. But he was shut out, again and again.

They’re over it now, that time in their lives, and they’re trying to improve. There were still some things they didn’t quite share with each other, but it wasn’t complete radio silence either. It was leagues better.

Now, they’re talking. Jaemin still hangs out with them. It’s mostly normal. But Renjun can’t shake the feeling that they’re not talking about as much as they used to, and that Jaemin is drifting away again.

They had promised each other that it was okay, not everyone can stay tied to the shore. But when Jaemin’s drifting away and he has no idea where he plans on going and when he’ll be back, Renjun is just left restless at the dock.

Jeno purses his lips at him. “That time is done. Plus, you don’t know how he’ll respond until you try.” And it was true, but it doesn’t lessen the way Renjun’s stomach twists at the idea.

He didn’t want to be needy. Jaemin was entitled to his own life and his own time. How he spends it is up to him. 

But he misses him. It feels selfish, like he’s stealing him away from his own boyfriend, who is just now learning all the little things about Jaemin. Renjun has known Jaemin for a good part of his life, he really didn’t need to steal any more time.

Often, he wondered how much Kyungjae had already discovered. Did he know Jaemin’s preferred order of coffee? Did he know that Jaemin was very specific about which pillows went where? Did he know that Jaemin needed to be gently coerced out of his half-day-long dazes where he just works nonstop and forgets all form of rest? Just how much has he come to understand Jaemin, and all those things about him?

He really, really misses Jaemin.

“I think Jisung said this to you, that night we met Kyungjae.” Jeno reaches out a hand to hold Renjun’s, but it’s only with his last two fingers since the other ones are greasy. “Don’t forget that you’re still his best friend. You’re his favorite person in the world, I know you know this. Just because he has a boyfriend doesn’t mean he’s forgotten you.”

And before Renjun can respond, Jeno says, “And you know what? I bet he’s scared that you don’t approve of this whole thing, which is why you’re distancing yourself. Maybe he thinks that you aren’t happy about him having a boyfriend, and he doesn’t want to upset you.”

Renjun’s forehead creases. “That’s not true.”

He was happy for him, of course he was. Jaemin deserved that type of love, deserved to have someone care for him like that. Renjun is so happy for him.

“I know.” Jeno’s voice is gentle, so, so gentle that it’s almost like he’s not slapping sense into Renjun right now. “But he doesn’t know that. Let him know you miss him. Let him know that you think they’re cute together and that you’re happy for them. Let him know all that and everything else you’re willing to share before he never comes back to the dock you share.”

Throwing him an incredulous look, Renjun asks him, “How’d you know about the ship metaphor?”

Jeno looks at him like he’s out of his mind, but his tone doesn’t change. “You had me read all that stuff you wrote, remember? Of course I know the ship metaphor. Also, is that really the only thing you got from what I said?”

Renjun deflates in his seat. “Okay. I’ll talk to him.”

“And?”

“I’ll tell him I miss him.”

“And?”

Biting the inside of his cheek, he says, “I’ll tell him that I’m happy for him.”

Jeno leans back a bit, somehow not toppling out of the stool. “Are you really?”

And Renjun has an answer for that too. He’s practiced that one too.

“Yes, I am, I promise.” It’s the truth, he knows it. 

“Okay,” Jeno says quietly. He gives Renjun another wing. “I believe you.”

Renjun believes it too.

○○○

**TO-DO LIST**

☐ ~~Text Jaemin~~  
☐ ~~Tell him I miss him~~  
☐ ~~Ask him if we can meet up, just us~~  
☐ ~~Tell Jaemin his plushies are safe and sound~~  
☐ Stop crossing it out bitch

○○○

He texts Jaemin that he misses him. The next text he sends is asking if they can have some siomai together at that _carinderia_ at Krus na Ligas.

Jaemin replies fast, he always does. He says that he misses Renjun too, and that he’ll be there in 15 minutes.

When they eat together, for the first time in two whole months, Renjun feels like the skies are clear again.

○○○

At their management class, Jaemin comes in with his hoodie zipped all the way up and the hood over his hair. He plops down next to Renjun, doesn’t even take out his notes, and just wordlessly asks for Renjun’s arm to sleep on.

“You can sleep without my arm, you know,” Renjun jokes. He pokes at the growing fringe of silvery white.

“I know,” Jaemin answers. “But you’re soft.”

And Renjun doesn’t say another word about it. 

He does, however, make a mental note to ask for his denim jacket back.

○○○

When the door to his dorm room opens in the dead of the night, Renjun’s first thought is to look for a weapon. And then, he sees the form by the door, illuminated softly by the lights in the hallway. He recognizes that denim jacket.

Softly, even though Renjun is already awake, Jaemin goes into the room. He carefully puts his bag down by the closet, he toes off his shoes. The rungs of the ladder protest against his weight, but Renjun knows he barely cares.

Wordlessly, he crawls into Renjun’s bed, above the blankets, and falls into Renjun’s ready arms. He smells a bit like rain and a lot like Jaemin. The jacket doesn’t even have traces of Renjun anymore.

Renjun holds him, feels the steady thrum of his heartbeat through the layers of clothes. He feels tears on his sleep-shirt, and he doesn’t ask, doesn’t say a single word. The only thing he does is card his fingers through Jaemin’s hair, wishing to whatever entity is out there to just give his best friend some sleep.

○○○

A week later, Jaemin texts Renjun that he and Kyungjae broke up.

Renjun wakes up to a familiar silver head amongst the 32 plushies.

○○○

“He’s an ass,” Hyuck spits out. He looks like he will absolutely jump on the opportunity to punch the guy in the face.

Jaemin doesn’t say anything, so Mark slings an arm around his shoulders. “We’re here for you, okay? If it means actually punching him or just taking turns hugging you to death, just say the word and we’ll do it.”

That makes him smile, just enough.

They’re back at the bar that was once new territory for them, and has now become something of an escape at the end of the week. At this point, they’re given discounts for their loyalty, and they intend to use it well.

Tonight, Jaemin lets himself get drunk.

As usual, Renjun takes a few sips, and barely any more. Someone has to be the sober friend. He enjoys it, still, even more so now when they’re done with the first wave of finals, they can finally destress. There’s so much tension in all of them that it all uncoils in various interesting ways.

Mark goes from nearly crying about the professor he still has a stupid crush on to dancing to some pop song morphed into a version that’s suitable for clubbing. The last Renjun sees of him is dragging what looks like a whole group of girls to dance with him. He might have to check on him later.

Hyuck manages to drag Jeno to one of those glass karaoke booths shoved into a corner, and although Renjun knows that Hyuck’s voice is absolutely golden even while drunk, he also knows that his friend can and will pick out embarrassing songs for his boyfriend to do. And maybe open the door too so that spectators can watch. Renjun knows that he owes Jeno for getting him to talk to Jaemin again, so he’ll most likely drag his ass out of the booth and replace him. It’s just fair.

And Jaemin. Oh, Jaemin is back to his even clingier self now that he’s intoxicated. It starts with that lazy little smirk, and then he’s sliding into the seat next to Renjun. Then it’s little tugs at the arm, long, drawn-out versions of “Junnieeee” whined at 10-second intervals. And then it’s the hugging, and Renjun nearly falls out of his seat, but he’s laughing.

It’s back to normal again, however weird this normal is. 

When he spots Mark seemingly grinding on the floor, Renjun can’t help the sigh that escapes him. He’s missed this, and all thoughts of terrible men and heartbreaks are very far from his mind.

○○○

Some nights, Jaemin just stares at his low ceiling, hugging a corgi plushie to his chest, breathing deeply.

Some nights, he and Renjun gorge on instant noodles with a lot of cheese and then they catch up on Kimetsu no Yaiba.

Most nights, he climbs into Renjun’s bed, and he doesn’t have to ask for Renjun to hold him.

○○○

**TO-DO LIST**

☐ Give Jaemin hugs

○○○

It’s a Sunday, and they’re going biking.

This time, though, Jaemin is more just leisurely biking than anything. He keeps the same pace at Renjun, even though Renjun knows that deep down, he’s practically programmed to go fast. Today is an exception, and Jaemin is just in loose joggers and a hoodie with their uni’s logo on it. He looks like every sleep-deprived college student ever, even though he just has to pass one more requirement and he’s done with the semester (plus he has been mostly asleep the whole week).

It’s chilly now, the wind biting as they bike around the oval. Renjun can feel his fingers go numb as he grips the handlebars of his bike. He’s always liked the chill that the -Ber months brought. Usually, it was more an excuse for him not get out of bed, just stay bundled up in the blankets. But also, it was a chance for him to bring out all his sweaters.

Today, he’s wearing a lilac one, soft and oversized. It’s one of his favorites, but he rarely gets to wear it. There’s still the scent of the floral fabric softener his mom uses on his clothes, a testament to how he hasn’t touched this since the beginning of the semester.

Their uni is exceptionally beautiful this Sunday. They already have the Christmas lanterns up on the streetlamps. Some of the buildings had festive decor on their windows and pillars. At sunset, they’ll be able to see all the Christmas lights slowly turn on.

Other than that, it just feels like a different Sunday from the past ones. Everyone is definitely more relaxed now, with the stress of finals and the hell month draining away. They were slowly easing into the holiday season, even though Renjun has seen Christmas decor at the mall since September. It felt like they were really close now, to that season of festivities.

He does like Christmas very much, even though he’d sometimes have to deal with relatives with antiquated opinions on everything. There was food, and the cousins he liked talking to, the drunk uncle who picked the worst songs on karaoke, and Christmas money. Plus, he’ll get part two of that on Chinese New Year’s. The holidays were fun.

And as per tradition, he and Jaemin will go to Jaemin’s house to wrap gifts. The people at Renjun’s house were too nosy, and his dad always blasted the same damn CD of Christmas songs over and over, so they much preferred Jaemin’s quieter house.

Relatively quieter. Jaemin’s grandmother would likely call them over at least ten times in like 3 hours to get them to eat the food she’s prepared. She gets especially chatty when Renjun is there, and it’s not like they can escape her.

There’s also Jaemin’s little cousin, Jinkyu, who will wander into the living room with his beat-up iPad. He’ll play games on it at full volume, and then when he’s bored, he’ll start pestering Jaemin and Renjun to play with him. Jaemin always indulges him, and that usually results to him not even finishing a quarter of the wrapping he has to do.

But overall, it was a better experience there.

Jaemin both loves and hates Christmas. He loves it for pretty much the same reasons that Renjun loves it, with the addition of him being allowed to cuddle and coo at all his younger cousins (and some of Renjun’s too). The guy was almost mistaken for a distant cousin that nobody in Renjun’s family remembered because he was just so casually at their Christmas party.

And he hates it because inevitably, he’s assigned to kitchen duty. Heavy kitchen duty at that. Normally, Jaemin would have arms that were too sore so he couldn’t bring over the casseroles and cakes that his mother asked him to give to Renjun, so Renjun had to go to his house to pick them up himself. Going there also meant picking up Jaemin, who was grateful for any escape from the feast preparations that he was a part of.

Really, Renjun was excited because the holidays meant sleep. No 8 am classes to wake up for, no alarms. He can already feel all of the students of the uni breathe a collective sigh of relief that they can finally have proper rest.

As they’re biking, Jaemin comes to a slow stop. Renjun stops too, puzzled at what Jaemin is looking at. He backpedals a little, coming to rest beside his best friend.

“What is it?” he asks, trying to follow Jaemin’s gaze. All he sees are the trees, the families and groups of friends on the grass, and the slowly lowering sun.

Jaemin takes in a deep breath. “It’s almost the end of the year.”

“...Yeah?” Renjun bumps shoulders with him. “What about it?”

Turning his head, Jaemin looks at him. There’s that soft smile again, a little vulnerable at the edges. “So many things have changed.”

Renjun turns to face the distance again. Yes. So many things truly have changed.

○○○

The last thing they do before going back to their homes is watch the Lantern Parade.

Their university’s Lantern Parade was one of the most awaited events of the year. Every year, each college made a lantern float that not only was a sight to see, but also reflected the varying themes per year. Students, families, and the press would flock to their uni to see the lanterns, marvelling at the craftsmanship and learning about the meaning behind each one.

This year’s theme is freedom of the press and freedom of speech. In this year, there were several threats to the freedom of press, especially those that report the wrongdoings and shortcomings of the government. Journalists have been threatened, silenced by force, not allowed to report on current events if it meant that what the government was doing would be exposed to the people. 

School publications have been threatened as well, with questionable people breaking into their headquarters and their social media accounts either hacked or reported repeatedly until they are suspended. Hyuck wrote for one of the publications, and Renjun drew the covers for another one. They knew that the campus publications of this uni, and many others across the country, were continually forced to be silent on matters of the nation.

Along with that, the people were also being coerced into just going with whatever the government told them to do and believe. Speaking out against them would result in dire consequences, and no one was truly safe anymore. Accounts can be traced, people can be tracked down, and this is all because the government refuses to let anyone criticize them.

Renjun helped with the creation of his college’s lantern float. It had been great to keep himself occupied, surrounded by people who were passionate about what they were doing and what their lantern would mean. They worked at every possible opportunity, be it breaks, or through the night, and even weekends. This wasn’t just an art project, its meaning was important to every single one of them.

He’s bundled up in a university jacket (not really his, but pretty much his at this point), jeans, and his trusted sneakers. They’ve just put their lantern float in line with the others, and the seniors said that they would handle it from there. Renjun made sure that everything was working fine with their float before he bid them and the lantern goodbye, walking briskly back to where he knew his family was.

His mother waves him over once she spots him. Renjun is almost immediately squashed in between them, his parents affectionately ruffling his hair and squeezing him into half-embraces. 

To his left, his father has their DSLR out, a Christmas gift from Renjun’s uncle. His dad has practiced with it, and takes some pretty decent shots. Hopefully he can get some photos to post later.

To his right, his mom is on a call, and by the sounds of it, it’s Renjun’s grandma. She never really approved of the things they did here at the uni, and often fought with his parents about it. Renjun would be eternally grateful for their support, but he wishes that they got that support too.

It’s not long before Renjun feels a familiar hand pressing against his back. He whirls around to see Jaemin, face glowing and hair clipped out the way. Renjun barely gets a greeting in when his parents see Jaemin too, and start to instantly smother him with affection.

His parents absolutely adore Jaemin, always have. Every Christmas spent since they met Jaemin, they’d given him and Renjun matching stuff. Be it pajamas or toys or kittens. (That didn’t go well. Renjun’s kitty Shortcake ran away, and Jaemin’s kitty Muffin got accidentally locked in Jaemin’s dad’s car for 3 days, which killed Muffin.) Jaemin already had a spare mattress and pillow practically to his name to sleep on whenever he stayed over at Renjun’s house. He had also already learned to bring big shopping bags with him whenever he visited, because Renjun’s mom would inevitably give him several Tupperwares of food to take home.

And Renjun’s dad, oh lord. He’s had more dad-to-son conversations with Jaemin than his actual son (not that Renjun minds. He does _not_ want to know all the weird terms his dad picked up while travelling). Hell, they’ve even had Kdrama marathons, mostly because Renjun didn’t like dramas and they both said he was missing out.

Casually, Renjun suggested to his dad to just adopt Jaemin and he actually looked like he was considering it before Renjun’s mom whacked him in the head with a rolled-up _Good Housekeeping_ magazine.

So now, with them practically smooching all over Jaemin’s face and cooing over his grown-out platinum hair, Renjun just shakes his head. Jaemin looks like he’s pleading for an escape, but Renjun figures he can survive another few minutes.

When someone calls his name, he immediately whips around to look for the owner of that voice. Said owner is waving his whole arm to be seen by Renjun, and Renjun motions for him to come closer. 

Chenle has his now neon orange hair pushed out of his face with a headband, and his grin pretty much glows just like his hair. With him are all of their friends: Jisung with his phone in hand, probably texting his mom, Jeno and Hyuck in what looks like matching hoodies, and Mark eating the last bites of his turon. They all smile and greet Renjun’s parents, which gives Jaemin enough leeway to escape them.

They pout at the loss, but make up for it by pulling Renjun in between them again. Renjun knows he can’t really wriggle to freedom, and he knows that they’ve missed him, so he just allows it.

His friends huddle in front of him, chatting freely while waiting for the parade to start. Renjun sees his dad extend a hand to ruffle the hair of whoever he can reach. There was a possibility that he’d offer to buy fast food for all of them before they left, just a little thank you to the ones that have taken care of his son this whole semester. 

When the parade starts, everyone huddles in even closer. There’s so many people that it’s hard to see over some of their heads, so Jaemin easily offers to carry him on his back. Renjun hops on, looping his arms around Jaemin’s neck. He can feel his mother’s hand on his back, a gentle reminder that they’re still close by.

The lanterns are stunning this year. They’re huge, most of them towering over the crowd. Renjun can hear the coos of appreciation amongst the crowd, and the thrum of the drums in his veins. Each lantern is illuminated brilliantly from within, the many colors of fabric and cellophane casting rainbow glows on the street. Renjun thinks that they look even grander than last year’s, while also being as powerful in their messages.

Jaemin hands the camera to him. It’s challenging to take photos as he’s clinging to Jaemin, so his best friend secures his legs with his arms so that Renjun can use both of his hands. From this height, it’s easy to capture the details of all the upcoming floats in all their splendor. He’s sure that Jaemin will have a full album of photos to post.

All throughout the parade, he silently marvels at how well Jaemin is holding him up, with absolutely no complaint at all. When the lantern float from their college comes up, he even bounces up and down excitedly, making Renjun shriek and hold onto him. But Jaemin doesn’t waver, doesn’t tire, not even when Renjun tries to get a little higher to take better photos of their lantern.

Jaemin puts him down after that, asking for the camera so he can look through the photos. It’s not long before Renjun tugs at his sleeve and points out the other lanterns, wanting him to take photos of them too.

He does, of course. He also takes photos of Renjun, in that university jacket and his grown-out pink hair. Because that’s what he does, he always tries to take photos of Renjun when he can.

Later, in his dad’s car, Renjun looks through all the photos. He did get pretty good shots of the first lanterns. There are photos of their friends, their faces bathed in the glow from the lanterns and their smiles wide. The last ones are of Renjun, looking in wonder at the last few floats.

Jaemin picks one of those as his favorite.

○○○

As always, Jaemin calls Renjun over to his house to help him lug the food. Renjun places the big plate full of spring rolls onto the table first before he calls out to his mom in the kitchen, saying he’ll go to Jaemin. She tells him to bring Jaemin back, like she always does. 

The walk to the Na house is short and quite chilly. They’re in a pretty high part of the city, and Decembers were always much colder here than in some other places. Renjun wraps his sweater sleeves over his hands as he walks, clenching them against the cold.

Once there, he takes his phone out to text Jaemin that he was outside their house. Renjun can hear the people inside, arranging chairs and talking to each other, and Jaemin’s voice undoubtedly saying something about Renjun being here. The front door opens, and within a moment, the iron gate does too, and Renjun steps inside.

By the door, he leaves his shoes, and already, Tteok, Jaemin’s samoyed, comes up to greet him. Tteok tilts her head up to get head rubs from Renjun, who obliges.

“Renjun’s here!” Jaemin calls out to no one in particular, but several heads pop out to greet him. The widest smile is on Mrs. Na’s face, and she calls him over with an oven-mitted hand.

Walking into the kitchen, Renjun can smell roast pork coming from somewhere. Jaemin leans by the counter, already looking worn out at 5 in the afternoon.

“Hello, Renjun,” Mrs. Na greets. She’s transferring a huge pot to the countertop. “Come to pick up our Jaemin?”

Renjun smiles warmly at her. “As always, Auntie.”

“I’ll just finish up on some things, and you can be on your way. Jaemin.” Her tone changes when she addresses her son. “Give Renjun some of that cake you made, what are you doing!”

Jaemin pushes himself off the counter, going to a cupboard to get a plate for the cake. Said cake is already on the kitchen island, about a quarter of it gone. He cuts a manageable slice of the cake and puts it onto the plate, dolloping cream onto it and rooting around in a drawer for a fork. Giving it to Renjun, he offers a weak smile.

“It’s dark chocolate,” is all he says before slumping against the counter again.

Renjun chuckles around a bite. “How many dishes did you cook today?”

His best friend groans. “I lost count. 6? 7? Something like that.” Jaemin looks like he’s considering napping on the kitchen counter. “So tired,” he whines.

With a free hand, Renjun rubs his shoulder. “We’ll be at my house in a bit. Dad will most likely have you use his new electric back massager.”

Jaemin seems to perk up a bit at this. “Another one? I thought he had like, 3 or something.”

Curling his lip, Renjun says, “Yeah, he did. And then he won another one at the Christmas raffle at his workplace.”

Running his hand over his face, Jaemin huffs out a laugh. “Can’t wait to be rendered boneless with it.”

Mrs. Na comes back not so long after, putting down boxes of what Renjun can assume are baked goods. Trailing behind her is Jaemin’s dad, with a huge, foil-wrapped tray. It’s most likely noodles, based on experience.

That’s not all, apparently. Mrs. Na opens the fridge and takes out a huge plastic bowl. It’s either macaroni salad or fruit salad, and Renjun thinks of the batches he’s made back at home. Well, it’s not like his parents will complain about more salad.

Leaving the house is a bit of a struggle, as Renjun cradles the warm tray in his arms and tries to balance the plastic bowl on top of it. Tteok nearly follows them out the door, if Jaemin didn’t call out to his aunt to bring the dog back inside. Renjun is sure he still has some of Mrs. Na’s lipstick on his cheek, but he doesn’t have any more available arms to wipe it off.

They could barely get to Renjun’s house fast enough. Maybe by next year, Renjun would have already learned how to drive his dad’s SUV, and these trips for food would be easier.

Thankfully, his cousin, Lian, opens the door, immediately relieving him of the heavy load. He gets the boxes from Jaemin, who is toeing his shoes off by the door and looks just about ready to crash into their couch.

Unsurprisingly, the first one to greet Jaemin is his dad, and soon enough, his best friend is whisked away to the sitting room to try the back massager. Once Renjun opens up the noodles and puts the salad into their fridge, he can save Jaemin from another boring discussion on office Christmas party games.

His mother sees him when she turns away from the pot for a second. “Jaemin already here?”

“Yup.” Renjun pops a piece of fried chicken into his mouth. “Dad’s already kidnapped him.”

Humming, his mom stirs at the stew she’s making. “I wish I was surprised about it.” She reaches over to her spice rack and gets a bottle without even looking. “Go give him some _pancit_ as compensation.”

He obeys, popping some more chicken into his mouth and putting two spring rolls on the plate of noodles for Jaemin. True enough, he finds Jaemin in one of the armchairs, with the massager already on. His best friend looks a little bewildered at the feeling, and Renjun chuckles as he sets the plate down.

“Dad, I think your new massager is a modern torture device.” He eyes the glowing orange orbs. “Can you let my best friend go now?”

His father hands him the little plastic remote, and Renjun turns the massager off. Jaemin visibly slumps in the chair, eyes wide as he tries to process what happened.

Renjun stuffs a spring roll into his mouth. “What, did it kill you or something?”

After some chewing, Jaemin answers, “Maybe.” He gets up to stretch. “Remind me never to trust massagers like that again.”

When he’s done with his food, they go up to Renjun’s room, escaping from all of Renjun’s relatives for the meantime. He knows that his parents will just let them be, and divert all the questioning from Renjun’s nosey aunts.

In Renjun’s room, Jaemin crashes into Renjun’s childhood bed. The sheets are of a Care Bear pattern, faded from all those years of use and washing. He’s asleep in less than a minute, and Renjun allows it. 

Sitting on the floor, right against the bed, Renjun looks at Jaemin’s sleeping face. It’s a face he’s seen for a good chunk of the semester, and also a pretty good chunk of his life, but maybe he will never truly get used to it. 

He pushes Jaemin’s floppy hair off of his face. Like this, he almost seems angelic. At peace, unburdened by deadlines and shitty boyfriends and all the crap in the world.

Renjun wishes Jaemin could always be this peaceful.

○○○

New Years are normally spent at Jaemin’s house. Even his parents come, chatting up Jaemin’s parents and complaining about how everything is so expensive these days.

They countdown to midnight at the rooftop, where Renjun can see a good part of the city from. Jaemin’s house really is pretty far up. There’s coins everywhere because they believe that it will bring them fortune, and there’s coins stuffed in the pockets of their jeans too.

Up here, it’s momentarily quiet. Most of everyone else is downstairs, eating and doing karaoke on the infamous Na karaoke machine. For now, it’s just Renjun and Jaemin, with their shoulders touching and their eyes trained up to the sky.

Renjun thinks of New Year’s resolutions, and how he has stopped making them. It’s not likely that he’ll do them anyways. He nudges Jaemin with an elbow.

“Do you have any resolutions?” he asks casually. The plastic cup in his hand that’s full of wine that Jaemin’s dad brought out is now half-empty.

Jaemin looks out at the city, at the sky, breathes in a couple of times. He nods, then turning to face Renjun, that soft, slightly sad smile on his face. “Yeah. I have one.”

Renjun doesn’t ask.

○○○

Coming back to the dorm is quite the ordeal. 

Jaemin has his bag of plushies again, and his mom has convinced him to bring the microwave. Renjun has an outrageous number of imported instant noodles and Spam in his duffel bag. Their room is in definite need of some cleaning, and they need to settle back in.

Halfway through mopping the floor, Hyuck bursts through the room, bringing two Tupperwares with leche flan and a handful of plastic spoons, so the cleaning drive is paused for the time being. Mark peeks his head into the room as well, and he has a brand-new Switch that he’s excited to show them all.

It’s good to be back.

○○○

“What do you mean you’re not going to the fair?” Chenle protests. Normally, the one whining about Renjun not going would most likely be Hyuck, but he’s not available right now.

The fair held yearly at their uni was another one of the most anticipated events. Students in and out of the uni flock to the week-long fair, enjoying the concert, the booths, and the rides. Every day had a different set of performers, many, if not all, of them crowd favorites.

It was always held during the week of Valentine’s day, and whatever day the 14th was on would most likely be the most packed day. Couples, friends, families would all be here, and it was often hard to get around. Also, the performers for that day were the most popular and sought-after ones of the whole week.

Renjun closes his notebook. He won’t be able to rewrite his notes now. “I have an exam on that day, and then another two on the next day. I just really can’t, I’m sorry.”

His friend pouts, pushes his long bangs off of his face. “But that’s Valentine’s! Please tell me that you’re not missing out on our Vday food crawl.”

Wincing, Renjun turns to him. Chenle’s face twists into a scowl. “I can’t believe this.”

“I’m sorry, Lele.” He reaches out to draw circles just behind Chenle’s ear. “I can still give you all Vday gifts, and I can make it up to you on White Day, if you want.”

Chenle is still pouting, and Renjun knows he can’t really remedy this. So he slings an arm around the younger boy’s shoulders, pulling him close. 

“I’m sorry, Lele.” He rests his head against Chenle’s. “It’s not the last fair we’ll have anyways.”

That seems to pacify him somehow. Chenle doesn’t say anything though, just goes back to his own notes.

Already, Renjun is dreading how the others will react. Renjun doesn’t want to keep breaking his friend’s hearts, but he’ll have to do it this once.

○○○

“Last chance, Junnie,” Hyuck croons. He has the tickets in his hand, and Renjun doesn’t want to know how he got some if they were sold out for that day. “If you don’t come with us, I’m giving the ticket to an orgmate.”

“I’m not coming.” His smile is sad, he knows.

Hyuck deflates, like he wasn’t expecting Renjun to answer that. “You sure? I can just keep it so that you can come by if you change your mind.”

Renjun holds his hand, looks straight into his eyes. “I’m sure. Go make somebody happy with that ticket.”

When Hyuck pouts, all Renjun remembers is Chenle. 

○○○

Looking up from his Powerpoint printouts, Jaemin asks, “You really won’t come to the fair?”

Renjun lets out a sigh. He knows why this is important to them. They’ve gone the past two years, and even the years before they were even in the uni as students. They’ve always gone together, their friend group, gone on the rides and listened to the music and ate the food at the booths. It was tradition.

“I’m sorry,” he offers, and he doesn’t know how many times he’s said that already. “I’ll make it up to you all after my exams.”

Jaemin nods, going back to his printouts.

○○○

It’s Valentine’s Day, and Renjun has difficulty getting off the jeep with everything he’s toting. He grits his teeth and bears it, because he really shouldn’t complain when he’s already made them sad before Valentine’s.

His first class is French, and Hyuck is with him in this class. The classroom is gracefully empty when Renjun comes in, so nobody has to see him struggling. He puts down his backpack, and then the tote bag brimming with gifts, and then the big, blue gift bag. Rearranging them so that he doesn’t block anyone’s way, Renjun takes his usual seat.

People start coming in, with single roses in their hands or giftbags. Valentine’s may be one of the most despised days for many single people, but Renjun quite likes it. It’s cute, with all the decor and the promos on candy and plushies. Plus, all the heart-shaped balloons he’s seeing are super adorable. He’s considering getting one for himself.

He guesses that Valentine’s is now better for him because he doesn’t focus on how single he is. Instead, he thinks about how he has friends he loves dearly, parents that are supportive, and places where he feels at home. That was quite enough love already.

Every Valentine’s, he’s given gifts to his friends and parents. Just whatever he can buy at the time, because he knows that they’ll appreciate the gift, no matter how small. This year, he has a little extra cash from the holidays, so he splurged a bit. He had sent an edible bouquet to his parents, first and foremost. He’ll probably get photos of that later. And then, for his friends, he’d gotten them heart-shaped stress balls and candy, which he knows full well will become useful. Also for them are some simple metal rings, which came engraved with a tiny heart. (Renjun isn’t sure if they’ll fit though, but they’re cute.)

And for Jaemin. Well. He got Jaemin another plushie. Because he’d momentarily forgotten about the 32 (possibly more now? Christmas _did_ pass) plushies on Jaemin’s bunk. But it’s fine, because Jaemin will surely love this one too.

Almost everyone is already here when Donghyuck arrives, an absolute image in a fluffy pink sweater tucked into white jeans. Renjun doesn’t have the chance to comment on how much he looks like a teen superstar when his friend notices the blue bag.

“Oh my god, Renjun,” he says, voice loud enough to make some of their classmates look. “You’re really the prettiest bitch in this school.”

Renjun blanks. “What?”

Hyuck gestures to the bag. “Look, you have that bag that all the pretty girls in high school got! Who gave that to you, huh? From now on, I’m going to be monitoring everyone’s suitors because literally so many people are assholes and I’d rather not see them give all these gifts and turn out to be a load of shit.” He plops down into the chair next to Renjun.

“It’s not for me.” Renjun says, trying to hush him. “I got it for Jaemin.”

His friend looks like he’s taken aback by this, and he’s looking to the side like he’s on an episode of _The Office_. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah.” Renjun has the urge to take out his jacket and cover the bag. “Why, is it too much?”

Considering for a moment, Donghyuck hums. “Remember when Jaemin got you that _huge_ bouquet of paper flowers made from all your favorite books and you had to bring it with you to all your classes because he gave it in the morning? That one was too much.”

Renjun chuckles at the memory. He’d adored those flowers, kept them in his room back at home so that they wouldn’t be ruined or lost. Jaemin had even somehow gotten the pages with his favorite quotes on them. They were beautiful, and admittedly very attention-grabbing as he went to his classes. Renjun has a feeling that some strangers remember him as that guy that was carrying a bouquet of paper flowers about the size of his torso the whole day.

“Yeah, okay, that was a lot.” He sighs.

Hyuck nudges him with an elbow. “How are you gonna give it to him?”

“I’ll go to their org room later,” Renjun answers. One of Jaemin’s many orgs was situated in the College of Business Administration. Jeno was part of that org too, so he could give his gift too.

“Give Jeno a kiss for me?” Hyuck tries, turning on his cutest expression. “I’ll buy you cookies later if you do.”

Scowling, Renjun tells him a very firm, “I’m not kissing your boyfriend for you.”

Hyuck deflates a bit, but shrugs anyways. “It was worth a try.”

Just 5 minutes before their set time to begin, Renjun rummages in the tote bag and produces the cellophane-wrapped gift for Hyuck. His friend’s eyes light up upon seeing it, and he kisses Renjun on the cheek as way of thanks.

For the entirety of the class, Hyuck chews on the sour gummy worms, content as a cat.

○○○

The first one to greet Renjun when he knocks on the open door of the org’s assigned room is Xiaojun, a senior. He stands up from the beanbag and gently ushers Renjun inside. “Hi. Jaemin and Jeno just got some stuff photocopied downstairs, they’ll be back soon.”

Renjun nods, sitting down on the slightly sunken couch. He has taken many naps here, and usually Jeno would just poke him awake when needed.

Truthfully, he’s been here enough times that he wonders why no one has successfully and actually recruited him yet. Well, sure, they tried, but Renjun just wasn’t the type to join all of the orgs. He had some sense of sanity to him still, unlike some people he knew (Jaemin). At this point, anyways, he was already an honorary member, so he really didn’t need to go through the whole process.

Yeji’s here too, immediately recognizing him and coming over to offer him a bowl of chocolate kisses. Renjun smiles and grabs a handful, placing them down on the worn wooden table. He unwraps one and pops it into his mouth, letting the sticky sweetness melt and spread all over his tongue.

There’s someone from the next room blasting love songs from the early 2000s, and there’s another handful of someones belting out to it. Ah yes, Valentine’s really isn’t that bad.

He’s already somewhat dozing off when someone says, “Junnie?”

Renjun watches as his two friends come into the tiny org room, dropping their bags to the floor. Jeno grabs an electric fan from somewhere, plugging it in and directing it in their general direction. Jaemin sits on the edge of the table, stealing one of Renjun’s chocolate kisses for himself.

“You should’ve texted me to say you were coming here,” Jaemin says, clicking his tongue. “I could’ve made a little detour and bought some soda for us.”

Renjun waves it off. “It’s fine. I need to leave for another class anyways.”

Jeno sits down next to Renjun, wincing when the sofa groans under him. “Why are you here, Junnie?”

He reaches into his bag for two of the parcels. Renjun gives one to each of his friends. “Happy Valentine’s Day.” He smiles at them. “I’m trying to make up for not being at the fair later.”

Looking at the gifts, both of his friends start grinning. Jeno pulls him in, his cheek pressed against Renjun’s shoulder. “Awww, Renjun, it’s okay. We understand.”

Jaemin slides off of the table and goes to Renjun’s other side. Renjun sees him pursing his lips as he turns the gift over in his hands. “We won’t force you to come, but we’ll miss you.” His head also ends up on Renjun’s shoulder.

Reaching up to pat their cheeks, Renjun says, “I’ll miss you too. All of you.”

They stay like that for a while, nobody willing to get off the weirdly lumpy couch. Jeno opens his pack of candy, not even looking up as he feeds Renjun gummy green apple rings. Toying with the rips in Renjun’s jeans, Jaemin hums along to the songs blasted by the people next door, and Renjun can’t quite place the title of it. 

Truly, being single on Valentine’s wasn’t the worst thing in the world. 

“Hyuck said he’d buy me cookies if I kissed you.” Renjun patted Jeno’s cheek again. “Can you just tell him I did so that I can get free cookies?”

Jeno comes up from his shoulder, looking at him like he’s grown another head. “You know I can’t lie to Hyuck for you, Junnie.”

Renjun just shrugs. The motion makes Jaemin lift his head too.

“What about me, Junnie? What prize do you get when you kiss me?”

Before Jaemin can see him blush, he twists his ear. “I get to do that to you.”

But Jaemin is unfazed, the corner of his mouth lifting in a smirk. He’s leaning in jokingly. “I’ll take it.”

Renjun shoves his face away. “You’re gross, Jaem.”

His best friend is giggling. “I’ll give you that Nana kiss someday.”

“Keep it to your fangirls, Jaem.”

When Renjun turns to face Jeno, he can see him raising his eyebrows, but he doesn’t say a word.

It’s not long before Renjun has to leave. He fixes his stuff, putting the last three gifts into his backpack so he doesn’t have to bring all these bags. While doing so, he realizes that he forgot to bring a jacket with him, and curses himself. His exam room will be chilly.

Jaemin digs in his own backpack for his hoodie, big and warm and with their university’s logo printed on the front. He presses it wordlessly into Renjun’s hands, already knowing that he’s frustrated at himself for forgetting his own. 

He’s already halfway out the door when Jaemin calls out to him. When he turns, Jaemin is holding the blue gift bag.

“You forgot this,” he says, holding it out.

Renjun smiles, squeezes the hand that is holding the straps of the gift bag. “It’s yours, Jaem.” He watches as surprise and confusion flick across his best friend’s features.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Jaemin,” he says, and then he’s off.

○○○

Back at the dorm, Renjun thinks he can hear the music from here. He knows that he’s a good distance from campus but if he can hear it still, maybe he isn’t as far as he thought.

Plugging in his earphones, he plays his own playlist. The rest of the dorm building was pretty quiet, because nearly everyone was at the fair. It’s nice, these moments of peace.

He flips to the next page of his notes. He’s found that he retains information better once he rewrites everything onto a reviewer and slowly read everything until he’s committed the details to memory. It took time, but it worked best for him.

The exams for the next day were manageable, but he wanted to make sure that he get the best possible score he can get. Sure, it was tempting to just lay in bed and pass out after his lab exam earlier, but he can’t let himself do it. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he did.

So he recopies the terms and the definitions on his pad of yellow paper, switching pen colors so that he can highlight the important stuff. He doesn’t really register what song is playing from his earphones right now, but the beat keeps him going. 

About three hours in, Renjun decides to take a break. He stretches in his chair, then using his hands to rub over his face. For a moment, he wishes he had brought one of his dad’s electric massagers, because his shoulders and lower back hurt like hell now.

He’s pretty much done with his first reviewer, so he can just read over it a few times and go to his next subject. As a reward, Renjun lets himself peek at his SNS.

When he opens Instagram, he already expects the influx of stories of the fair. Sure enough, almost all of his friends and classmates’ stories are full of blurry shots of the stage, of them with friends, and lots of the beginnings of a sunset and their tickets held up to the sky. It was a beautiful sight, and one that hurt just a bit.

It’s not that he didn’t want to go. If he could just leave his notes behind, he would. He’d go there in a heartbeat, sing the songs with his friends, take all the pictures he can.

But he can’t, and he just has to accept it.

The groupchat for their friend group is just filled with multiple renditions of “Where are you?” and “We’ll come to you, wait there”. He wants to chat, ask them how they are, but they probably won’t feel the vibration of their phones while they’re at the fair, what with all the people and the loud music.

After he’s sufficiently tormented himself, Renjun goes back to work. If he finishes early, he can go to bed early too. He can already feel the beginnings of a headache from the fatigue. It would do him good to get some sleep.

The next subject is more difficult. In class, there were some things that he didn’t quite pick up on, so he’s slowly making his way through everything now. Every now and then, he’d have to Google a few things, try to get a different definition that he can understand better. He rewrites his notes, adds some keywords from his searches, and rereads his work.

This was routine now, and routine is what Renjun’s best at.

Renjun knows he’s been going too long without a break when his playlist is back to the first song. He puts down his pens and allows himself to slump in his seat. After a few moments of groaning, he picks up his phone again.

It’s past 10, and everything was still in full swing, on a Thursday to add. The Instagram stories are blurrier, everything is louder, and none of his friends are chatting in the groupchat anymore.

When he swipes to Xiaojun’s story, the first thing he sees is a very familiar smile. Jaemin is jumping up and down, his arm around Jisung. Renjun can barely recognize the song in the background, but it barely matters. He can hear Jaemin’s cheers and whoops, and the laugh that follows. God, he wants to be there.

He replays that particular 15-second story again and again, biting at his lip. It looks so fun, and although he’d probably need to tell Jaemin not to scream in his ear every now and then. 

Renjun looks at his reviewers, several sheets of yellow paper strewn across his desk. He arranges them, staples together the ones for each subject. He takes a deep breath.

Then he stuffs the reviewers in the pockets of his jeans, grabs Jaemin’s jacket from the back of his chair, and leaves his dorm room.

○○○

**[junnie 💕]** **  
** **jaem** **  
** **where r u?** **  
** **I’m by the entrance**

Renjun does not delude himself. He knows it’s impossible to get in without a ticket, and he is currently very ticket-less. There weren’t any tickets left by the ticket booth anymore, he knows this.

So he stands a few paces away from the entrance of the fair, his hands in his pockets. Even with so many people here, the chill of February is still very present. Renjun thinks of just going back to the dorm because what can he even achieve here?

He watches everyone that passes by. Nobody seems to be a familiar face. There are students in the uniforms of other schools. There are parents holding their kids securely as they weave through the crowd. There are so many people wearing hoodies identical to his. He doesn’t see any of his friends.

The music is loud, and he can physically _feel_ it. The closer he gets, the more he is able to place the song, one that he’s listened to before.

 _Parang tangang kausap ang tala at buwan_ _  
_ _Naghihintay ng mayro'n sa gitna ng kawalan_ _  
_ _Natutong lumipad kahit pagod at sugatan_ _  
_ _Pag-ahon ko sa lupa'y iiwanan lang naman_

Even in the dark, he can see all the sparkly foil balloons and the flowers in people’s arms. He can smell the roses, mixing in with the scent of the food stalls in the Sunken Garden. He squints to see if he can pick out anyone he knows, but fails again.

His phone buzzes, and he would’ve missed it if he hadn’t been gripping it tensely.

 **[jaemjaem 💗💗💗]** **  
** **I’ll get you, just stay there**

 _Walang nag-iba_ _  
_ _Talo na naman tayo_ _  
_ _Ganu'n talaga_ _  
_ _Nadala na lang sa puro pangako_

The speakers are a little scratchy, but overall it’s better than last year. Renjun finds himself swaying to the song, singing it softly to himself. He had first chanced upon this song by accident while he was browsing for songs to listen to. It’s become sort of a favorite now.

Okay, maybe he’s cried to it a few times, but that’s normal. People cry at emotional songs.

 _Baka pwede lang kahit isang saglit?_ _  
_ _Masabi lang na mayro'ng konting pagtingin_ _  
_ _Baka pwede lang kahit pa pasaring?_ _  
_ _Sa sarili ko'y magsisinungaling_

Alright, he’s maybe written a few pieces with this looping in the background. He couldn’t help it, it was a song that made him feel things. Sad things. He was just lying down in bed, staring at his ceiling, _feeling_ , until he decided to write it out.

Truthfully, he hasn’t heard it in a while. Mostly because he’s avoided it. It reminded him of a time that he never really likes coming back to.

 _Parang tangang kausap ang tala at buwan_ _  
_ _Naghihintay ng mayro'n sa gitna ng kawalan_ _  
_ _Natutong lumipad kahit pagod at sugatan_ _  
_ _Pag-ahon ko sa lupa'y iiwanan lang naman_

There was a time that he kept wishing out into the night sky. He didn’t know who he was praying to; Renjun has long given up on a god. Still, he prayed. There were many things that he had hoped for, honestly.

I wish my parents would buy me a new laptop.

I wish they knew how pressured I am to get into this uni.

I wish I knew how to deal with my brain.

I wish Jeno will win that dance competition.

I wish we won’t separate in college.

I wish people stopped asking about me and Jaemin.

I wish I had a better Math grade.

I wish Chenle heals quickly from the surgery they had to do.

I wish they let me learn how to drive.

I wish it isn’t Jaemin.

I wish that I’m not in love with Jaemin.

I wish that I could get over with Jaemin, please. Please.

I wish he could tell me he misses me too.

 **[jaemjaem 💗💗💗]** **  
** **I can’t see u** **  
** **tell me where u are exactly**

Renjun texts him his location, as best as he can. Soon enough, he sees him emerge from the crowd, in that Ryan shirt that Mark gave him last year, and Renjun can already feel his face splitting into a smile.

 _Hindi ko lang masabi_ _  
_ _Ayoko na sa 'yo_ _  
_ _Tao lang, napapagod din_ _  
_ _Kaso 'di ko magawang lumayo_

Jaemin envelops him in a hug first, and he smells of grass and shawarma rice and his bodywash. In that moment, Renjun forgets his damn reviewers and his damn exams. He just wants to stay here, in Jaemin’s embrace, with the music thrumming in his veins. It just feels right, even when Renjun can’t wrack his writer’s brain for any words to explain why.

When he leads Renjun to the entrance, Renjun is confused, breaking out of his temporary daze. He doesn’t have a ticket. It’s not like Jaemin can smuggle him in just like that.

But his best friend just holds onto his hand tighter, and keeps walking. Renjun trusts him, even just for this time.

 _Baka pwede lang kahit isang saglit?_ _  
_ _Masabi lang na mayro'ng konting pagtingin_ _  
_ _Baka pwede lang kahit pa pasaring?_ _  
_ _Sa sarili ko'y magsisinungaling_

They get through, and Renjun doesn’t know what type of magic Jaemin has. He’s always known that Jaemin had some, but he didn’t know that it could potentially involve him getting Renjun in seemingly without a ticket.

Here, it’s louder, and Renjun feels his heart beat with the music.

 _Parang tangang kausap ang tala at buwan_ _  
_ _Naghihintay ng mayro'n sa gitna ng kawalan_ _  
_ _Natutong lumipad kahit pagod at sugatan_ _  
_ _Pag-ahon ko sa lupa'y iiwanan lang naman_

Suddenly, Jaemin pulls him to a corner, just by the entrance. He nearly crushes Renjun in an embrace, and he seems to be breathing Renjun in like he’s oxygen for his lungs. 

“You’re here,” he mumbles against Renjun’s neck. Slowly, Renjun wraps his arms around him too.

“Yeah. I’m here.” He’s not sure if he’s heard, but Jaemin tightens his hold.

Maybe Renjun can pretend that his heart is beating that fast because of the loud music and absolutely no other reason. Maybe. He can try.

“Thank you,” he hears Jaemin say. Renjun doesn’t know why, but the two words settle right at his heart, twisting it with the same fondness of Renjun twisting Jaemin’s ear.

They separate after what feels like hours but what must just be seconds. Jaemin holds his hand securely in his, leading him to where their friends are.

 _Kailan ba makakatulog nang mahimbing?_ _  
_ _Kahit ilang minuto lang na 'di ikaw ang nasa isip_ _  
_ _Baka pupwede lang naman, huwag ka munang magparamdam?_ _  
_ _Dahil sawang-sawa na akong marinig na ako'y kaibigan lang_ _  
_ _'Tangina, ba't ba walang mali sa 'yo?_ _  
_ _'Di magawang umiwas at tuluyan nang lumayo_ _  
_ _Kahit na ano'ng gawin, sinusuway ko pa rin_

Hyuck practically launches at Renjun the moment he sees him. A bit difficult, considering there are so many people between them, but Hyuck always finds a way. They lead him to the others, who immediately shove food and drink into his hands. Chenle slings an arm around him, giggling as they come closer to the stage.

The song ends without Renjun realizing it, and then there’s another band on the stage. At this point, everyone is more relaxed, swaying together to the tune. 

The next song starts off slow and gentle, almost lullaby-like. The singer croons into his mic, and the crowd around quiets down somehow, wanting to listen.

Jeno has his arms around a giggling Hyuck, nuzzling into his neck and dancing ever so slightly to the music. Chenle is looking weirdly at Jisung, and jokingly pushes him away before hugging him himself. Mark is singing along to the song, absolutely enamored by the performers on stage.

And Jaemin. Jaemin is now beside Renjun again, bumping shoulders with him. When Renjun turns to look, he’s facing Renjun, softly mouthing the words of the song.

 _Noong ika’y dumaan_ _  
_ _Anong nakita ko_ _  
_ _Hindi ko alam_ _  
_ _Basta naramdaman_ _  
_ _Basta natuklasan_ _  
_ _Ang boses mo’y waring_ _  
_ _Bulong ng puno_ _  
_ _Sa umagang kay tahimik_ _  
_ _At doon ko narinig_ _  
_ _Ang awit ng pag-ibig_

Without hesitation, Renjun joins him, smiling. Their hands slot together, and Jaemin is warm, always has been.

 _O irog dinig mo ba_ _  
_ _Ang pagtibok ng aking puso_ _  
_ _O irog dinig mo ba_ _  
_ _Ang pagtibok ng iyong puso_

And there may be fireworks somewhere, reflecting in the dark pools of Jaemin’s eyes. Renjun is a ship out on sea, and those waters he’d brave any day.

 _At kahit mawala ka pa_ _  
_ _Hinding-hindi mawawala_ _  
_ _Ang damdamin ko’y_ _  
_ _Sa’yong-sa’yo_

It’s alright. Everything, it’s always alright with Jaemin by his side.

 _Ang damdamin ko’y_ _  
_ _Sa’yong-sa’yo_

○○○

Renjun barely remembers getting home that day. All he remembers are the remainder of all their laughter, the flash of Jaemin’s polaroid camera, all those hugs.

He does remember one thing clearly: Somehow, at some point, he squeezed himself amongst the plushies on Jaemin’s bed, and fell asleep with Jaemin’s hoodie still on him.

○○○

“Why me?” Jaemin asks, legs dangling from over the railing of his bunk bed. There’s a bottle of Smirnoff Mule in his hands, but he’s far from being drunk at all.

Across the room, tangled in his blankets, Renjun sips on his own drink. “What do you mean?”

His best friend looks down at his lap. “Why… did you fall in love with _me_?”

Ah. Truthfully, he’d expected that it would be asked one day. He just didn’t know when.

Some years ago, Huang Renjun was in love with Na Jaemin. It was quite possibly one of the worst emotional turmoils he’s had to go through, if not also the stupidest.

Really, what was worse than falling in love with your best friend?

It was unfair, really, how they showed that sort of thing in the books and movies. Of course, fiction wasn’t reality in any way, but he still wished that what they showed could reflect in real life, in _his_ life. He wanted to fall in love with his best friend and have it rewarded with him being in love with Renjun too. He wanted that happy ending, the way that people always talked lovingly about marrying their best friend. It was cheesy and also not realistic for most people, but he couldn’t deny how much he wished for it.

He wished it was easy. Renjun had kind of a penchant for falling for his best friends. Not all of them, obviously, but still. It was terrible, but it’s not like he would stop it anytime soon.

All his life, he never saw the appeal of liking someone that way just because they were cute or nice or smart. He needed to know them more, be familiar with them before he even thought about seeing them that way. Defense mechanism, maybe. If he knew the person extensively, then he’d at least have more of an idea of whether or not they’ll be good for him. He didn’t want to fall for someone who turned out to be an asshole.

But falling in love with his best friends, it was like he liked torturing himself. He knew them, yes, knew their secrets and how they liked their coffee and their favorite music and all their stupid jokes. He knew so much about them, and they knew about equally as much about him. There was a sense of security in it, that he was so familiar with them, so comfortable, and that’s how he wanted to be with a significant other.

And with knowing them that deeply, also came the knowledge that they don’t like him back. It was a variety of reasons. They liked someone else, they didn’t really like boys, they just didn’t feel the same. It was like that, for every single best friend that Renjun fell in love with.

He was just getting used to it, really. It hurt, yes, but he understood. Renjun didn’t want to ask them to love him back, even when he’d secretly imagine twining their hands with them in a romantic way. He could always hold their hands, always hug them and tell them that he loves them, but to them, it wouldn’t mean quite the same as he felt. He understood, that one cannot demand anyone to return the feeling.

When he fell in love with Jaemin, that was the first time he felt truly afraid. This was _the_ best friend, the one who got knee scrapes with him and held his hand at the dentist when they fitted him for braces and has graduation photos with Renjun at every school they’ve been to and has been the one he’s ranted to about every person he’s fallen in love with. Jaemin, who knew him better than Renjun probably knew himself. Jaemin, who stayed with him whenever he inevitably broke his own heart.

When he fell in love with Jaemin, the only best friend he knew he couldn’t bear to lose, Renjun flat out wished he hadn’t.

It wasn’t something he intended to happen, nor did he see it coming. He just lay in bed one summer day, staring at the ceiling, and thought to himself, “Oh shit.”

Back then, it wasn’t even that he was in love with him, not yet. He just...started to look at Jaemin differently. Renjun supposes that he’s been looking at Jaemin for almost his whole life, but there were some things he didn’t quite see.

Like the way his signature grin always turned a little warmer and softer around Renjun. Like the way he held Renjun’s hand without hesitation or question. Like the way that he moved, whether dancing or just walking, was fluid and graceful and beautiful.

Jaemin was devastatingly beautiful. That time, Renjun felt like he finally understood what those students who fawned over his best friend felt. It was so easy to be drawn to him, to look at him with awe and wish, that just for a moment, he’d notice you.

And the thing is, Jaemin noticed Renjun, of course he did. They were practically stuck at the hip. He’d always hug Renjun, always accompany him everywhere and listen to every word he has to say. Some people would have done all sorts of things to even get a fraction of that treatment, and Renjun always had boundless amounts of it.

He saw what they saw in him, and it might have just been a slap to the face.

“You weren’t like the others,” Renjun blurts out, and it sounds like the worst thing he’s ever said. “I mean, you were just so... _different_. Like, you had a glow to you, and being close to you felt like no day will ever be dark again. And you were someone so open and yet so mysterious at the same time, so intriguing that everyone just wanted to know more about you. You were soft, in this world of things that hurt.”

Jaemin considers this, taking a long drink from his bottle. Renjun knows that what he’s said can’t possibly be enough to explain how he felt.

His best friend speaks up again after some minutes that Renjun doesn’t care to count. “No. Why did _you_ fall in love with me?”

And this, Renjun isn’t sure he can answer. He’s been writing for the better part of 9 years, and yet he hasn’t been truly able to properly articulate every single thing he’s felt for him.

He knew he was in love with Jaemin when he valued taking care of him more than being the one for him. That’s how he was able to tell with the others too. It didn’t matter as much anymore whether or not they’d like him back, all he wanted was to care for them.

It was kind of Renjun’s thing to want to care for people, but he realized that he wasn’t supposed to force himself to fix them. That wasn’t for him to do. That particular lesson was drilled into his head when he fell for Jaemin.

The thing about Na Jaemin is that you never truly understand him. Doesn’t matter if you’ve been friends with him for over a decade, you still cannot fully comprehend what goes on with him. Renjun is aware that nobody can truly know everything that a person is feeling or thinking, even if you feel like you’ve known them your whole life. That’s what life was. Nothing was ever absolutely, 100% clear.

He’d noticed that Jaemin was slowly closing himself up more towards the end of their high school years. It happened, Renjun knew. Everyone was more aware of the things around them and the things they felt. Getting scared, getting tired of it all was normal. He knows he went through it too. So when Jaemin started to not say as much as he used to, Renjun was willing to give him time and space. He didn’t want to be suffocating.

Around that time, people started thinking of Jaemin as an enigma. Like something to be decoded, something that they needed to understand to be deemed worthy. He was a mystery that everyone wanted to unravel, with them working on his every move just to be able to say they tried to make sense of him. They were fascinated by the idea of this beautiful boy who they thought would have a core that all the poets would write about.

Renjun is a writer. He’s written about many things and many people, Jaemin included. It was terrifying to write about him. Writing about him meant that he admitted to himself that he had feelings for him that were more than just platonic. Writing about him meant that he can’t lie to himself anymore about how being around his best friend was like a sucker punch to the face every. Single. Fucking. Time. Writing about him meant that Renjun would willingly immortalize his view of Jaemin, for someone to unearth some centuries later and talk about in their Literature class.

He was so scared, and yet he did it. Frustratingly, it was the only way he could let it all out without any immediate consequences. 

He wrote about Jaemin’s poor pink umbrella during a thunderstorm, bent and broken and absolutely useless against the rain so he had to huddle under Renjun’s. He wrote about the way Jaemin’s room at his own house smelled like food and yellowing photo albums. He wrote about the corners of Jaemin’s mouth when he smiled, the corners he wanted to either poke or smooch. He wrote about the university jacket that Jaemin’s owned even before he even got into the uni, and now is pretty much permanently Renjun’s property. He wrote about how nobody understood him at all, not even Renjun.

And it was unsettling how the words came so easily when it came to him. After months of opening up Microsoft Word and staring at his pointer blink on the screen, he should have been alarmed at how many pages he’d fill with all the ways he can describe Na Jaemin’s stupidly comforting backhugs. He hated it. He hated it to the point that he wrote around 50 pieces about him.

While he went on with the last months of his high school life, he spent quite a lot of time thinking about his best friend. He missed him, but he understood the need for space. Renjun would stare at their chatbox for several minutes at a time before ultimately giving up and just writing it out. At least it cleared his mind.

And the thing is, Jaemin wasn’t an enigma. He wasn’t just this puzzle to be figured out, like he’s all these pieces scattered everywhere and whoever puts him together first wins. Jaemin is a human being, one who was perfectly valid for not putting every single thing about him out for display like everyone wanted. Renjun understood the fascination with him, but disliked how so many treated him as some sort of thing to accomplish. 

He could never fully comprehend him, but Renjun wanted nothing more than to protect him from everything and everyone else.

But Renjun knew one thing for sure: Jaemin didn’t love him back, not in that way. He understood, he always did. People are allowed to not like people for whatever reason. That was valid. It still hurts, though, in a completely irrational way. Renjun broke his own heart again, but it was devastating with Jaemin.

Because with Jaemin, you couldn’t be entirely sure of his intentions. He was clingy, easily affectionate with almost everyone. He was always an attentive listener, and genuinely cared about how people are doing, no matter who they were. He was passionate about the things he loved to do, and he was a sight to marvel at whenever he showed just how much he loved those things.

Because with Jaemin, Renjun felt oddly special. He really shouldn’t have. Renjun knew better than anyone that Jaemin was really just a warm, friendly presence. But it felt different when it came to him, it just did. He couldn’t fully explain it, even with his years studying three languages and reading many dictionaries cover to cover. Was there really a word in any language for how he felt? Was there any sentence, any full-length novel that can fully encompass all the thoughts he had? Jaemin held his hand more frequently than he had with anyone else. Jaemin said that Renjun was his comfort. Jaemin would go to the ends of the earth to support Renjun in what he did, no matter how mundane. Jaemin always went to him first.

Did he imagine it all? Was he just delusional and saw things that weren’t there? Jaemin was his best friend, of course they’d be close, but it didn’t mean anything more. It wasn’t anything more, because Jaemin didn’t love him back that way.

“I wish I could explain.”

Renjun can handle breaking his own heart a thousand times over, but to think that he’d held onto hope of something that he may have just blown out of proportion in his head, that was the worst thing.

“What if we...became a thing?” Jaemin asks. Renjun doesn’t know if he looks like he’s about to launch himself off of his bunk or plop down amongst his many stuffed animals.

“What, like all those years back?” Renjun is now peeling the label off his bottle. “Maybe we’d have broken up by now.”

It shocks a laugh from Jaemin. “Really? You think so?”

“I know so.” Renjun is too tired to think about hurling anything at him. Maybe he can just hurl himself. “We wouldn’t last, you and I.”

Jaemin knows this. Renjun knows this. They’re compatible in a lot of ways. Renjun has even checked with multiple horoscope sites and those sketchy matching games on Facebook. Other than those, he really, truly knows that they pair well with each other. It has been proven time and again. But compatibility like that doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ll work well together in a romantic relationship. Relationships were more than just that.

He’s thought of it, of course he has. Renjun would rather not go back on any of those, willing to forget how much he’d imagined nestling into Jaemin’s arms at the end of a long day. It was in the past; he really shouldn’t think about those kinds of things anymore.

“For the record, though, I’ve thought quite a few times that if it were you, I’d be happier.” Jaemin finishes his bottle, nestling it between his thighs. “I couldn’t know for sure of course, but I just had a feeling.”

Renjun knocks his bottle against his knees, willing the dull pain to wake him up. “You still wouldn’t choose me though.”

They don’t say anything after that, both knowing full well how true it was. That’s just how things were. They never say anything about the things they should really talk about.

And when Jaemin climbs down his bunk and up into Renjun’s, there are no words between them. Why would there be? Renjun allows him to curl himself around Renjun, making him so much smaller than he really is. Jaemin smells like Smirnoff and cheese puffs and all the sunshine in the world. His knobby knees knock against Renjun’s, and he’s warm despite the now-fixed air conditioning unit. Renjun lets himself be held, and it doesn’t hurt, not one bit. It hasn’t hurt in years.

Even if he’s not sure he never stopped being in love with Na Jaemin.

○○○

Hotel Weekends are one of the activities included in their course, and it usually happens once every school year. They get a deal on a particular hotel, attend a seminar on the first morning and have a buffet lunch, and then be free for the rest of the weekend. They’ll be in pairs or threes for the rooms, and although there will be professors there, they won’t be monitored too strictly.

For this year, their uni has gotten a deal with The Peninsula, and everyone is understandably excited. There was undoubtedly great food, gorgeous rooms, and amazing service waiting for them. It was a little pricey, but it wasn’t compulsory anyways. Still, it seemed like everyone wanted to go, and was talking about it with their friends.

Probably one of the best things about it was that they could choose their own roommates. It was better that way, the professors reasoned. Less fights and misunderstandings, and there was more trust with their personal belongings that way.

Naturally, Jaemin would be Renjun’s roommate. In the past years, nobody had barely a chance to ask him to be their roommate, Jaemin would have already claimed him. So really, he’s been roommates with Jaemin before.

This time, Jaemin is looking through the hotel website. They’re still in class, but they’re at the very back anyways. He clicks through the gallery of the buffet, pointing it out to Renjun, who’s failing at writing notes.

“Junnie,” he whispers, hand gently coming to rest on Renjun’s arm. “Look! They have a seafood section. I haven’t even tried lobster before in my life.”

Renjun gives in and peers quickly at the variety of food. “Mmm. I want to try that breakfast spread.”

Jaemin looks at the rooms next, opening the gallery of the deluxe room. It looks more spacious than their own dorm, and Renjun can see Jaemin fawn over it. They’d done it twice already, but staying at hotels never really lost its charm.

This was going to be their most posh hotel yet. Renjun didn’t know if they even had time to explore all the photographic places there and take all the pictures their phone and SD card storage can hold. Of course, he wanted to be able to actually sleep during their one-night stay there, but he knew that was impossible when there were so many other things to have fun with and discover.

Later, Renjun’s having lunch with Chenle again, now with the addition of Jisung. The freshman merely takes out his earphones and his reviewers, intending to study for his History exam later in the afternoon. Chenle doesn’t have worksheets today, but he does have a big Tupperware container filled with braised short ribs and stir-fried noodles to share. He gives Renjun a big bite of food before he even attempts to talk.

“Oh, so you’re roomies for the Hotel Weekend too?” Chenle is eyeing him as he picks up some noodles using his chopsticks. “Don’t you get sick of each other?”

That’s a good question. He never really considered that. Renjun got sick of a lot of things, but having someone you genuinely liked being with was never a bother, no matter how often they were with each other.

“I...don’t think so?” He rips a chunk of meat off the bone with his teeth and chews. “I’ve known him almost all my life, Chenle, I think I’m physically incapable of being sick of him.”

The younger boy nods. He offers a bite to Jisung, who’s a little surprised at it at first, but opens his mouth for it anyways. “Does nothing really happen in those hotel rooms?”

Renjun puts down his chopsticks to open his can of pineapple juice. He takes a sip, eyebrows raising a bit at how tart it is. “Well. I heard that there was an _incident_ last year, but the professors were so adamant on just being vague about it that we just had to find out through gossip. We thought it was drinking or maybe just being a bit too loud, but apparently that’s not the case.”

A perfect eyebrow raises. Renjun really needs to remember to ask him where he gets his brows done, he’s been wondering about them for over a year. “What happened?”

Leaning in closer, Renjun looks around, lowering his voice when he said, “There were… some pretty intense stuff going on.”

Chenle narrows his eyes at him. At how much Renjun is leaning across the table, Jisung has become curious too, taking out an earbud. 

Taking in a deep breath, Renjun musters the courage to tell his friends. Finding out about it, even through hearsay, was pretty much the shock of his system that day. 

“There was… a fight that went out of hand. Like, breaking stuff level type of intense. Breaking noses and fracturing bone type of intense.” Renjun winces, remembering the lengthy lecture they all got without actually knowing what had happened. “Needless to say, it was a pretty rough couple of weeks after for the roommates and the others involved.”

It wasn’t the worst thing Renjun has heard his whole life. Hell, he’d watched hundreds of crime documentaries. But knowing that it happened, about two floors below where his and Jaemin’s classmates were staying at, and the fact that it was during a _school activity_ made it shocking. Renjun wasn’t an angel, but he’s been keeping out of trouble his whole life. Hearing about that, he just couldn’t believe that people actually had the guts to pull shit like that during a school activity of all times.

That surely beat the couple that broke the glass shower enclosure while doing it in a room that wasn’t even theirs. There were always interesting stories in hotels, that was something their professors always brought up. You just need to know where to look and who to listen to.

The most interesting thing he and Jaemin have done so far is get some rich businessmen at the hotel bar buy them drinks. Jaemin’s charm proved to work on absolutely everyone, and Renjun wasn’t so bad himself. Together, they got a grand total of 7 drinks from the businessmen, all well over any personal budget they’d set for themselves when they dared to go up to the rooftop bar. They’d ended up a little tipsy and plenty giggly that they almost thought they lost their keycard somewhere. Good times.

He’s yet to find out what adventure they’ll try this time.

“How about you?” Chenle asks, popping the deboned meat into his mouth. “Any spicy stories at the hotel rooms?”

If they were back at the dorms, he might have hit Chenle across the face with a pillow. “Oh my god. I swear, if you were there with us, you’d be bored out of your mind. We literally do nothing.”

That makes Chenle scowl. “You’re wasting an excusable attempt at a honeymoon! What’s the point?”

Renjun gapes at him. “It’s not a honeymoon! We literally have seminars and we’re supposed to write reaction papers about the experience!”

Jisung has put his earbud back in. Chenle throws back a, “I can’t believe you’re there, at a fancy hotel, just the two of you in a room, with free Netflix on the TV, and you haven’t even thought ‘hey this can be kinda romantic’?”

“Chenle, this is a school thing!” Renjun practically hisses, and he has to remind himself to keep it down because people are already looking their way. “Why would we do anything anyways? I can’t just go, ‘oh yeah, maybe we should get in that tiny bathub together’ or ‘let’s order some wine that we probably can’t afford and look at the polluted night sky together’. That’s literally not how any of this works.”

The younger boy crosses his arms, looking at Renjun like he’s absolutely missing the point. “I’m not saying that you should do all that. Why not share a bed since it’s just one night anyways, and talk about stuff? Hold hands, cuddle, order some pizza in and then feed each other bites of pepperoni and cheese? Not like any of the professors will get mad at you for being clingy. Or maybe get a couple massage, I don’t know!”

Renjun rubs at his temples. “God, has Hyuck been sending you fanfics? Where are you getting all of this?” Before Chenle can respond, Renjun stuffs his mouth with a big bite of noodles. “Listen, nothing’s gonna happen in that hotel room. Nothing has ever happened, and it’s not likely that anything will happen. It’s just going to be us, toying with the room controls and the crazy shower and sniffing all the soap that comes with the room. That’s it.”

Chenle retreats, leaning back in his seat and chewing. He’s swallowed most of it when he says, “Fine. But if I so much as hear that you did something outside of your usual, I _will_ side-eye you forever. Plus, you’d owe me a meal.”

Renjun puts a whole chunk of meat into Chenle’s mouth next. “You wish, you brat.”

○○○

**TO-DO LIST**

☐ Iron shirt and pants for seminar on Hotel Weekend  
☐ Find suitable bag  
☐ Figure out how to get there  
☐ Get started on packing!

○○○

Jaemin isn’t really an efficient packer, never has been.

He has a whole luggage bag plus another duffel bag for their hotel weekend. They arrive a bit late, mostly because Jaemin only packed that morning right before they left. It looks like he’s going to stay for a week, instead of one night and two days. A professor even has to ask him to get his bags a bit more out of the way in the seminar room that they’re at.

After lunch, where Jaemin marvels at all the exotic food and manages to get Renjun to try all of them too, they finally get to go to their room. He struggles with his bags again, much like when they go back to their dorm, and Renjun has to help him. For a moment, Renjun wonders if Jaemin could’ve stuffed more of the yummy bread from the buffet into his luggage.

Apparently, Jaemin packed two large plushies with him, claiming that he has trouble sleeping without them. Renjun doesn’t even question it any more, and decides to keep it that way the more that Jaemin pulls out of his bags.

He really tries not to stare at the whole can of dark roast coffee Jaemin pulls out from the recesses of the duffel bag.

All Renjun wants to do is crash into bed and just hibernate until the morning. He does, at least until the crash into bed part, until Jaemin’s taking out his laptop and his own HDMI cable and is insisting they watch some movies.

Since Jaemin already brought them all the way here, they might as well.

○○○

Renjun’s plans of sleeping are completely thrown out the window. 

The group of people from their course that did all the costume-making for the pageant are now in their room, bringing snacks and movies and their own pillows and blankets. Renjun doesn’t even remember agreeing to it, but they’re here now, and he’s too sleepy from all the carbs to really do anything about it.

Yuna and Dongpyo are on his bed, arguing over who gets to use the fuzzy pink blanket one of them brought. Minjoo is trying to open a tub of caramel popcorn, soon giving up and handing it over to Jungwoo to open. The popcorn goes everywhere when the tub does open, but apparently that’s not a problem because Jinsoul and Jungwoo are willing to eat the ones on the floor anyways.

Yeji is flopped down onto Jaemin’s bed, where Renjun is. She undoes her tight braids, letting her curls free. Renjun idly runs a hand through them, and although he has no idea how to braid, she allows him to play with her hair anyways. 

Jaemin is trying to figure out how to connect somebody else’s laptop to the TV, and Eunsang is standing beside him, waiting, with the external drive in hand ready to be plugged in. Another senior, Yeri, is playing music using her bluetooth speakers to fill in the time.

It’s chaos, and Renjun has to remind them gently again and again that they might get a noise complaint. None of the seniors seem to care, so Renjun tries not to care either.

There’s a point where they’re all dancing to Disney songs, singing “Part of Your World” and “Hakuna Matata” to each other. Hair brushes are brought out to be used as mics, Yeri and Eunsang pretend to be in a music video while on Jaemin’s bed, and somehow, even more popcorn gets everywhere.

There’s another point in the night where they have a bedroom photo shoot right there. All the freshmen are huddled behind Renjun as Jaemin takes shots of Jinsoul and Jungwoo copying those romance novel covers from the 80s while in their puppy pajamas. The two seniors are a natural at this, faking seductive poses and barely flinching as they get close.

And when everyone’s tired of the laughing and their sides all hurt, Renjun barely remembers which one is supposed to be his bed. Minjoo is sitting in front of him, and he attempts to braid her hair too. Yuna is behind him, tying his now long-ish hair with these little multicolored rubber bands. Dongpyo is having a dance battle with Jungwoo right in front of the TV, where an SNSD music video is being played. Everyone else is settling down, flopping down onto the floor or the bed, and someone is doing Buzzfeed quizzes.

Later on, when they try to watch a horror movie (keyword: try), Renjun has no idea who’s in the bed with him. He thinks he feels about 4 pairs of legs, but he can’t be sure. A large bag of cheese puffs is passed around, and Renjun completely gives up on the idea of his supposed 5-star dinner (the McDonald’s down the street).

They don’t finish the horror movie, and someone turns on all the lights while Jaemin draws the curtains on their windows closed. You know, just in case some killer can scale up 15 floors to come knocking at their window. They have to be sure. Renjun really thinks he’s not going to get much sleep tonight.

Nobody seems to want to go back to their rooms yet, even though so many of them are sleepy. Renjun thinks it’s Eunsang that’s already face down on one of the beds, and Minjoo is passed out in an armchair. No loud noises seem to wake them up, although nobody is making loud noises anymore anyways. Everyone else is taking MBTI tests with the laptop screen projected onto the TV, so Renjun thinks it’s a good time to take a quick shower.

The shower is confusing, as with many hotels, so he spends a good ten minutes trying to understand which way was warm and which way was the stronger spray. He also takes some time to revel in the nice-smelling soap, using as little of it as possible so they can bring it back home.

The towels here are super soft, and he wishes he can live in them. He gets one of two bathrobes from a hook on the wall, and slips it on as he stands in front of the mirror to dry his hair.

A knock on the door echoes around the bathroom. “It’s me,” Jaemin’s voice says. “I’m just gonna brush my teeth and change.”

Renjun opens the door for him, lets him slip into the bathroom. There’s plenty of space here for the both of them, and they don’t bump into each other as they move.

He waits until Jaemin’s changed into his bunny pajamas before asking, “What time do you think they’ll leave?”

Jaemin pouts in the mirror. “They’re all getting pretty drowsy, so I’d say any time now.”

While Renjun did enjoy their night, he also very much wants to reclaim his bed and sleep until they have to wake up for the breakfast buffet. He doesn’t voice this of course, afraid to seem rude.

“I can shoo them away to their own rooms if you want,” Jaemin offers, putting toothpaste on his toothbrush.

Renjun pauses, looking at their reflections in the mirror. “If you can, yeah.”

His best friend smiles around the toothbrush and nods.

Sure enough, Jaemin does get them out, after some cleanup and a lot of Renjun trying to wake the ones that are asleep. Impressively, there isn’t any mess that’s left, just their rumpled sheets and full trash can. Everyone says goodnight, and Jinsoul reminds them to set their alarms for the breakfast buffet.

Once they’re in their beds (Renjun supposes? He’s forgotten which one is really his), Jaemin looks through the photos from tonight. There’s a whole lot there, Renjun’s sure.

Without really thinking, Renjun goes over to Jaemin’s bed, peering at the camera as well. They go through about 60 different shots, laughing at each one. God, tonight really was a wild one.

It doesn’t take much for Renjun to lean against Jaemin, head resting on his shoulder. He’s sleepy, drained, full of junk food and carbs and it’s so nicely cold in this hotel room. All things that point to him passing out in a few minutes. Jaemin uses a hand to pat his head softly, then circling his fingers against Renjun’s scalp.

“You should sleep, Junnie,” Jaemin whispers, still scrolling through the photos. “Today was a lot.”

Renjun grumbles, snuggling closer to Jaemin. His best friend is like a heated plushie. “You should sleep too.”

“In a bit, Junnie.”

He thinks he does drift off into sleep for a bit, because when he next opens his eyes, Jaemin has put down his camera and is just cradling his head to him. It feels nice, just like this, but Renjun’s body also screams for a bed under him.

“Junnie,” Jaemin coos. “Come on. You should sleep now. “

And Renjun pulls back, looks at his best friend. Jaemin’s hair is a little mussed up from everything that happened tonight. His face is soft, and seemingly untired. He’s looking at Renjun with those eyes that seem to hold so much love, so much care, and it makes every bit of sense leave Renjun.

So he leans in, and does something his subconscious knows he’ll absolutely regret. He kisses Na Jaemin, just barely, and he knows it’s supposed to hurt, to break his heart, but all it does is make him want to melt into these stupidly soft sheets.

And it doesn’t hurt either when he feels Jaemin kiss back. It’s nothing like he’s imagined it would be, all gentle and tasting of toothpaste and so, so hesitant. Yet, it’s everything. Everything that Renjun would surely remember for days, weeks, maybe years to come. Everything that has the power to tear him apart, but instead it feels like it’s holding him together.

When they break it, Renjun knows he can’t keep it. He can’t keep whatever this is. Because it was never for him, never meant to be his. So he wordlessly slips away, off the bed and into his own. Jaemin doesn’t say anything either.

And he wills himself to sleep, prays to every goddamn entity out there, to let him have peace from Na Jaemin.

○○○

Renjun already expected another bout of silence.

And he hates that he’s right.

○○○

They’re good at pretending, that much he knows. Because nobody notices how quiet they are, how hesitant around each other. 

The quiet is worse than if Jaemin just flat out said he didn’t love Renjun, not in the way he hoped.

○○○

The one he turns to, unexpectedly for both parties, is Jisung.

He can’t really come up with a solid reason why. Renjun just feels like he’s more likely to get straight to the point without having mercy on him.

Just what he needs right now.

Renjun had to ask Chenle if he had Jisung’s class schedule, and the younger boy sent it almost immediately. Upon checking the schedule, he could meet up with Jisung after his last class without missing any of his own. Perfect.

Jisung is surprised to see him outside his Arts I classroom. “Renjun hyung?”

Trying not to snap the little metal thing that holds his ID, Renjun asks, “Can we talk? I’ll buy you whatever food you want.”

The freshman just agrees, still confused. Renjun doesn’t say anything until they’re seated in the tiny milk tea shop that Renjun goes to if he wants to feel fancy.

Sipping on his jasmine green tea, Jisung just waits for Renjun to begin. Renjun has to gulp in several deep breaths before he begins.

So he tells Jisung everything. How he became friends with Jaemin, how they grew up together, how he fell in love with him, how he thought he was losing him, and then the whole college experience of passing the entrance exam together and being in the same course and then becoming roommates and then everything he felt when Kyungjae happened and then what happened after, ending it all with the Hotel Weekend thing. Jisung listens, doesn’t ask anything or interject. He only takes every single word in.

It hurts, to recall everything. It’s all of the feelings and memories he’s pushed down so far to make sure they don’t hurt him anymore, all of them rising to the surface. He feels like crying, but he hasn’t cried in so long he’s not sure that he remembers how to. 

All he really knows is Jaemin. Na Jaemin, the boy he’s loved forever, and the one he was so scared of breaking his own heart for, and the one he can never lose.

When Renjun’s done, he feels like he’s just going to cave into himself. So many of that he hadn’t even told anyone else, barely admitted it to himself even. Getting it out there feels like he wrenched every single one of his internal organs out to locate that one spot that hurts.

Jisung is about halfway done with his milk tea. He puts it down, stares out of the window they’re facing.

“And how much of this does Jaemin hyung know?” he asks, quietly.

Renjun bites down on his tongue. “Very, very little.”

The younger boy takes in a deep breath. “Have you talked to him since the Hotel Weekend?”

Renjun shakes his head no.

“Have you tried to talk to him at all about any of these things?”

The same answer.

“Hyung.” Jisung’s tone is serious, and he sounds older than his tender years of 18. “Tell him. Tell him everything you possibly can. You’ve been keeping this for _years_ , it’s not going to do you good to keep it until you die. I don’t think your _best friend_ would like it that you’re keeping all of this from him, when you can talk about it.”

But Renjun is stubborn. More stubborn than Jaemin is, and so much more afraid. “And what do I do if he’s scared away? I know he doesn’t… doesn’t love me like that. I can’t lose him, Jisung.”

He really can’t. Renjun has long learned how to at least survive on his own, but losing Jaemin was losing such a big part of himself, of his life, that he can’t bear to think about it. What will happen once he doesn’t have that hand to hold? What will happen once he can’t have Jaemin annoying him anymore?

Jisung’s eyes are soft, but they hold something else in them. Something Renjun can’t place. “Did he tell you why he broke up with Kyungjae hyung?”

He tries to think back. All he knows is that Kyungjae broke it off, had been showing signs of disinterest for some time by then, and Jaemin was devastated. He felt like he shouldn’t ask more, just in case Jaemin was too hurt to talk about it.

Once again, he shakes his head no.

One of Jisung’s weirdly large hands come to rest on his shoulder. “Hyung, ask him. Tell him about everything you’ve felt, everything you told me, and ask him. Please do this for yourself and for Jaemin hyung too.”

And Renjun thinks about how this boy has more sense in him than about 80% of the whole damn university, and that’s why he knows he can trust him and his word. He’s absolutely right. Renjun has been denying things to himself for so long that the truth would definitely hurt less. It was time for him to stop hurting like this, and hurting Jaemin in the process.

The first thing he stuffs back in himself is his heart, and he knows that it’s become strong over these years, through every time he’s healed himself. This heart will beat on, even if he breaks it again once he talks to Jaemin.

So he hugs Jisung, whispering all his thanks, and Jisung doesn’t squirm away. 

○○○

He finds him at their dorm, pretending to study for their midterms. Renjun gulps down his uneasiness and climbs the rungs of Jaemin’s bunk.

“Jaemin,” he says, and he wonders why his voice doesn’t waver when everything else feels like it’s absolutely trembling.

His best friend looks up at him, eyes wide. They haven’t talked in about two weeks now, and Renjun knows they both hate it. “Renjun.”

The lack of a pet name stings, but Renjun swallows that down too. “We need to talk.”

Hesitantly, Jaemin closes his book, puts it away. Unconsciously, he reaches for a plushie to hug to himself. It’s the pink bear Renjun got him for Valentine’s this year. Renjun tries not to stare.

“Okay.”

For a moment, Renjun considers taking hold of his hands, but he knows that his own are sweaty and trembling. He doesn’t want Jaemin to feel how nervous he is.

“I’ll talk first okay?” He says, and his lungs constrict. _Too early, Renjun_. “Let me finish first.”

Jaemin nods, holding the plushie closer. Renjun takes a deep, shaky breath.

“Jaemin,” he begins. “You’re my bestest friend, and I know you know that. You’re the one that’s been with me through literally _everything_. I don’t know what life would be if I hadn’t met you in preschool and you offered your strawberry jam sandwich to me because you hate strawberry.”

His best friend just has his head down, nodding. He wants to see him, but Renjun knows he can’t demand anything of him right now.

“We literally grew up together. My dad has thought of adopting you several times, I know it.” He feels his breath hitch, and it’s too fucking early for this, but Renjun pushes on. “You’re family to me, you’re such a big part of my life.”

There’s still no response, and Renjun doesn’t expect one. “And when I fell in love with you, I felt like the world was going to end. For me at least.”

Jaemin tilts his head up slightly at that, looking at him. Renjun can’t read his expression at all. 

“You know how it was always my best friends that I fell in love with? Like Lili, and Jun, and Haneul and Eunhye and all those others. And it was stupid, falling in love with them. But with you, dammit, I was so scared. I was so scared because it was you, someone who I’ve had forever, and who I couldn’t risk losing just because I was stupid.”

He watches as Jaemin takes a deep breath, and he mirrors it. Renjun always wonders if they’re so in sync now that even their breathing is the same.

“I wished every single night that it wasn’t you. That I could fall in love with literally anybody else but you. Because it would hurt, it would probably fucking kill me if it was really you. And guess what, in the end, I just couldn’t deny it to myself anymore.”

Renjun looks at all the plushies on the bed, mentally identifies the ones he’s given. They’re the most worn ones, the ones with the faded colors. The most loved ones.

“Usually, I’d be okay if they didn’t love me back. Well, not _okay_ okay, but I could accept it and understand. With you, I understood too. I understood that you couldn’t love me back, and that was fine. I cried about it for weeks, but I understood.”

Jaemin looks like he wants to say something, but then presses his lips shut.

“Because why would I force someone to love me? They had to do it on their own accord, or it wouldn’t be fair.” Renjun tangles his fingers through Jaemin’s blanket. “I accepted it, but now I’ll admit to you that I wished on every single night that followed, that you would feel the same. Selfish, very stupid. But I couldn’t stop it, either.”

He looks up at Jaemin, and Renjun is sure that there are tears in his eyes now. “But you know, I thought, ‘hey, it’s okay, as long as I get to keep him’. I was willing to never be loved back that way if I could keep you. As my best friend. As my favorite person. I did get to keep you, but a lot of times I still felt like I lost you.”

And he swallows down the lump that threatens to choke him. They’re not there anymore, he reminds himself. Jaemin won’t close him out like that anymore.

“And it was so hard to figure out what I should do. Should I talk to you? Should I give you space? Were you weirded out by me being in love with you? How could I fix it if you wouldn’t let me in?” Renjun is fighting down his sobs, but it only makes him hiccup out his words. “It-it was so hard, Jaemin. I didn’t know what to do.”

Jaemin lets go of the plushie to hold onto Renjun’s hands, which are gripping the sheets a bit too hard. There are tears brimming in his eyes too.

“When you came back, when-when you started opening up again,” Renjun definitely feels the tears now, hot against his cheeks, “god, I wanted to cry. I had my best friend back, and I never wanted to lose him again. If that meant that I would stop being in love with you, so be it.”

Thumbs rub across the backs of Renjun’s hands, comforting. He follows the motion with his eyes so that he grounds himself.

“But I-I couldn’t.” This is the first time he’s admitting it like this, and it feels like he’s stabbed himself and let his blood flow out. “I wrote and I wrote and I wrote. I put every single thing I felt about you into words, because that was the only way I could deal. I thought, maybe if I wrote, it would hurt less.” He takes in another breath, and it catches in his throat. “I sobbed while writing, because sometimes I would imagine having you to hold, for as long as we lived, and the knowledge that I couldn’t have that broke me into pieces. I could only have you in the pieces that I wrote, and nothing more.”

He shakes his head, barely able to believe he’s really doing this, baring everything to Jaemin. Renjun isn’t going to stop now, though.

“Now that we’re in college, things changed. I didn’t write as much anymore. Looking at you didn’t feel like I was constantly being punched in the face, but sometimes it’s still like that. I could be with you, hang out with you, without feeling like I fucked everything up.” 

He allows himself a little smile. Renjun doesn’t look at Jaemin though, because he’s not sure he can handle whatever he’ll see. “But god, when you asked if we could be roommates, I feel like I shut down. I realized then that I was doing better, we were doing better, because we weren’t in such close proximity all the time. The breaks helped us. And then, suddenly, you’re back as a big part of my daily life, and I realized I never truly stopped loving you.”

There’s gentle thumbs wiping Renjun’s tears away. He still doesn’t look up. “And it was fine, you know. I could handle it. I’ve repressed it for some time already, it wouldn’t be too bad.” He stares straight at the pink bear. “But I was wrong. This time, the more time I spent with you, the more time I have to fall even more in love with you.”

Holding onto Jaemin’s wrists, he hopes that he can somehow steady himself to finish what he has to say.

“I pushed it down, I pretended it wasn’t there, and it did me no good. So I’ll just admit it straight-up, for me, and for you.” He looks up, and Jaemin is full-on crying too. It hurts, goddammit, it hurts. “I love you, Jaemin. I always have, and I don’t think any pushing down will make it go away.”

Before Jaemin can try to say anything, he continues on, unable to stop now that he’s started. “And when you had Kyungjae, I was genuinely happy. You had someone that cared for you like you deserved. Someone who can treat you well. That was all I ever wanted, Jaem. All I ever wanted was for my best friend to be happy.”

He knows that his fingertips are digging into Jaemin’s wrists at this point, but the other boy doesn’t seem to mind. “I love you, and to me, that means that I will do what I can to make sure you got the happiness and love that you deserved, even if it isn’t with me. It sure wasn’t with him, and if I could, I’d kick his ass to the next galaxy for breaking your heart.”

The poor pink bear is slowly getting stained from all the crying. Renjun uses a hand to wipe away Jaemin’s tears, cradling his face. “And whatever-whatever you choose to do after this, I’ll be okay with it. Leave the dorm, stay, break off the friendship, tell me sorry that you can’t love me back, hug me, whatever. It’s okay Jaem. I’ll be okay with whatever you choose to do, because at the end of the day, what matters is what you want to do, not what I expect you to do. I’ve been doing that for so long, and only now did I see that I should’ve given you the choice, instead of being stuck on what I believed you’d think and do.”

Jaemin starts sobbing at this, ugly tears that stream down his face. He already looks red from all of the crying, and he’s hiccuping with every breath. Renjun wants to hold him, wants to repeat to him that he loves him, so much, and he’s not going to hide it anymore.

“Junnie.” The way he says it is so raw, so broken, and Renjun uses his other hand to hold his face too. “Junnie. Can I talk now?”

And he’s really not in any state to talk, with his throat scratchy, and his tears still flowing, but Renjun nods. “Yes, you can.”

Gulping, Jaemin seems to calm himself as best as he can. He takes slow, deep breaths, and Renjun watches him carefully.

“Renjun,” he says, looking straight at Renjun with his red eyes. “Junnie. Did you know?”

Renjun shakes his head, confused.

“Junnie,” Jaemin says, and it’s almost a prayer. “Junnie. I’ve been in love with you forever.”

And suddenly, Renjun can’t really breathe. There are his tears, and there’s his heart rabbiting in his chest, and there’s his lungs absolutely giving up on him. “W-what?”

Jaemin’s hands are so gentle as he cups Renjun’s face, wipes the rest of the tears away. “Forever, Junnie. From the moment I met you, and you took my strawberry jam sandwich from me. I’ve loved you since then.”

He doesn’t know where the choked-up noise comes from, but Renjun suspects it’s from himself. Twenty-one years of words, and all of them are stuck in his throat. “Really?” is all he manages.

Nodding, Jaemin offers a watery smile, but it only makes him cry even more. “Really. I promise you this.”

There’s nothing that’s truly registering in Renjun’s mind, and he has so many questions and so little ways to get himself to speak. “But when –”

Taking in a deep breath, Jaemin looks like he’s steeling himself. “When you told me you were in love with me, I didn’t know what to do. I panicked. At the time, I was so unsure of my own feelings, because you were my first love, my only, and I didn’t know that that’s what it was like. I was confused and scared and I needed time to think because I didn’t know what would happen. I didn’t know if I could still be friends with you. Junnie, I was as scared as you were, and I pushed away the person that mattered the absolute most to me when I could have kept him close. I’m so sorry.”

And Renjun really isn’t sure if he’s hearing it right, but he supposes that he is. There are only tears now, and they’re both so gross, and Renjun feels something that is vaguely like happiness rise up his body.

Jaemin loved him, has loved him for longer than even Renjun has loved Jaemin. And it was terrifying, the joy that he can feel in himself, but he wants to welcome it now.

“Jaem,” he croaks out, and even though he doesn’t say more, Jaemin seems to understand completely. Because of course he does.

“Junnie,” Jaemin breathes, and he’s so close now that Renjun can feel his breath cooling on Renjun’s tear streaks. “I can’t take back that time I lost, that time I pushed you away, but I won’t push you away anymore. I’ll hold you, for as long as I possibly can. Now and forever. I won’t dare let go of the only one I’d give my entire heart to.”

And Renjun wants to kiss him, disgusting as they may be right now, but Jaemin pulls away momentarily, reaching under his plushies for something. He retrieves a purple album, the color of Renjun’s favorite sweater, and places it into Renjun’s hands.

“Open it,” Jaemin urges. Renjun wipes his snot and tears away on his sleeve, and Jaemin helps him clean away most of the remnants, all warm and gentle fingers.

When he opens the album, Renjun feels like crying again. Right there, photos of them. From preschool, and then gradeschool. Their matching clothes, courtesy of Renjun’s parents. Their bright smiles from the bus window just before their field trip. When he turns the page, there’s more, like their matching medals, and then that beach trip when they were eight. There’s their graduation, and them getting the matching kittens, Shortcake and Muffin.

Each page he turns, there’s more, and they’re so vivid, so _there_ that Renjun can almost touch them, almost feel their grubby hands from playing and their chubby cheeks. God, and Jaemin has so many photos of them, collected over the years, at every possible occasion, and it’s like looking at a storybook of them.

“Junnie.” His voice breaks through Renjun’s thoughts. When he looks up, Jaemin has that soft smile, the one he loves so so so much. “You know how people take photos of things they don’t want to lose?”

He flips to some of the further pages, which is now filled mostly with Renjun. Renjun from his spelling bee in high school. Renjun during their high school graduation. Renjun in the summer that followed, freckled and squinting in the sun. Renjun eating after taking their college entrance exam. Renjun the day he told Jaemin that he had passed. Renjun during Valentine’s day, and Christmas, and birthdays, and New Year’s. Renjun at the Lantern Parade. Renjun sitting at his dorm desk, looking out their window.

“I don’t want to lose you, Renjun,” Jaemin whispers. “I don’t have words like you do. I can’t express everything like you can. But I’ll show you, every single day, that you matter to me. That from all the photographs I’ve taken, Junnie, all of yours will always be my favorites. I’ll make sure that I won’t lose that smile of yours, I’ll make sure to capture every moment with you, because I don’t want to lose anything.” 

His voice is so broken, and Renjun loves it. Loves every single thing about him. He won’t deny it anymore.

Renjun kisses him. He lets go of the album and holds Jaemin’s face in his hands. This face he’s known for most of his life, the face he wakes up to, the face he always looks for in a crowd. He kisses Jaemin, and it’s okay. Because he can keep this, from now on.

And he has no plans to let go.

○○○

**THE ~~RENMIN~~ / ~~JAEMREN~~ /RENMIN DORM RULES**

Rule 1: ~~Keep quiet~~ Make Renjun squeak and giggle as much as possible

Rule 2: ~~Don’t get mushy with Renjun~~ Make Renjun flustered 24/7

Rule 3: Everyone takes turns with chores

Rule 4: ~~No bringing home friends/boyfriends/whatever without the other knowing beforehand~~ Make sure to bring boyfriend home!

Rule 5: Come home at midnight at the LATEST, otherwise inform the other

Rule 6: YOUR mess sticks to YOUR side

Rule 7: Shower is on a first-awake basis

Rule 8: Fold and put away YOUR OWN laundry

Rule 9: Always use headphones unless the other says it’s okay

Rule 10: Wake the other when they just won’t wake up

Rule 11: Kisses are a must. No arguments

Rule 12: TALK with EACH OTHER, idiots

Rule 13: Take even more photos (Just not when I’m asleep! - Junnie)

Rule 14: Jackets are anyone’s game

**TO-DO LIST**

☐ Buy more bottled milktea  
☐ Cut down on plushies so Renjun can fit  
☐ Do some more cleaning  
☐ Proofread Jisung’s paper  
☐ Cuddle  
☐ Kiss too  
☐ Cuddle again!

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading! this fic grew so much out of proportion, but i'm super happy with how it's turned out, actually ♡ i hope you do too!
> 
> eng translations of songs: [1st song](https://www.musixmatch.com/lyrics/I-Belong-to-the-Zoo/Balang-Araw/translation/english) | [2nd song](https://www.musixmatch.com/lyrics/Munimuni-feat-Clara-Benin/Solomon/translation/english)
> 
> [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/bundoie) if u wanna talk!
> 
> [pinterest board](https://www.pinterest.ph/bundoie/tayo-series/sayo/)  
> [yt playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLFnfzZqGvN7-jgJAMkMFaghDqFM1XIXLd)
> 
> any comments, kudos, bookmarks are all appreciated! thank you so so much for reading my work ♡


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